No Holds Barred

Raul, our Chief Merchandizing Officer, got in trouble with the courts again, which of course traces back to us despite our clandestine nature, as evidenced by…

• No sign on building (just the weather-marked outlines of marquees from the two previous tenants: Kohl’s, and Rod’s Guns ‘n Autos, the latter of which we wished still existed)
• Owned by 24 different LLCs and one Dubaian investment group we’ve never met in person
• Bank exclusively in Cayman Islands
• No social media presence (still don’t get that)

…and much more that we can’t disclose here due to fear of reprisal from various hate groups including the Vermont Department of Revenue, Internal Revenue Service, Department of Defense, and Toastmasters International.

So to keep Raul out of the joint we had to absorb his community service requirement. Not out of any altruism or loyalty to Raul, no way. Rather to ensure the spigot to our merchandise revenue stream doesn’t shut off. That would be a friggin’ disaster — it’s the only thing generating consistent revenue these days while we re-work our technological advancements, which turned out to be too spikey and pokey for consumers to use or even touch, as reflected by all the lawsuits.

So we proffered an idea to the magistrate and she bit because she knows first-hand this is a hot topic and frankly she wants the press, of which there will be ample.

Therefor and without further ado, welcome you to our official United States Corporate Employee Public Service Announcement, aptly titled (if we do say so ourselves):

Return To Office

Despite The Fact It Makes No Sense And There’s No Real Strategy Behind It Aside From Domination

Survival Tip Series

Tip #1 (of 20)

Treat Yourself To A Clipboard.

That’s Right, A Clipboard.

A Step-By-Step Guide To Your Impending Survival

For those knowledge workers begrudgingly donning clean underwear every weekday morning for the first time since 2020 so they can return to the office 3-5 days a week in a socially acceptable manner…it’s time to buy a clipboard.

Nothing says “major contributor/do not layoff” like briskly walking around your stuffy officeprison with a clipboard.

Ideally with a grim-yet-determined expression set on your beautiful countenance.

Here’s your plan:

1. Buy clipboard.
2. Steal 10 or so pieces of paper* from the supply closet or closest printer tray.
3. Use the following playbook.

* If your company no longer uses analog equipment like paper because they’ve over-indexed on AI tools including VR headsets, go to Office Max.

Sorry maybe you can expense it.

(Note: all times are approximate. For example, we don’t know where you live…at least in theory…nor do we know how simple or complex your personal life is….in theory…but yes you should dump him Sharon.)

 To be implemented Monday through Thursday (Friday is a rest day. You’ll need it. You’ll see.)

4:30 a.m. – 7 a.m.

1. Stumble around domicile confused, groggy, and cursing between gulps of black coffee or (god forbid) some lesser-effective stimulant like green tea or Yerba Matte.
2. Attend to pet(s).
3. Take unrelaxing shower.
4. Locate long forgotten underwear drawer, spend minimum of 10 minutes selecting appropriate cut of undergarment based on predicted thermostatic setting of office.
5. Spend a minimum of 40 minutes selecting rest of wardrobe based on the social forces that swirl about your workplace while forlornly eyeing sweatpants drawer.
6. Forgo desire to shop online for new, better outfits.
7. Get in car/on bike/train whatever. Hopefully it’s not the bus busses are gross. Don’t forget to lock front door.

8 a.m. – 8:40 a.m.

• Arrive after harrowing, maddening commute.
• Practice grim/determined expression in restroom (should be easy after commute).
• Load clipboard with paper in the following reverse chronological order, unless you’re in the Southern Hemisphere since you must account for the Coriolis Effect, in which case use chronological order, but backwards.
• Page 1: Handwritten list of some kind. Include acronyms. And arrows.
• Page 2: Printout of pie chart from last Thursday’s PowerPoint presentation (10^th that week) you didn’t pay attention to because there’s way too much information packed in each and every slide.
• Page 3: Graph paper with 20 completely random squares shaded in with pencil
• Page 4: Printout of whatever Excel file or Google sheet is at the top of the “recent” list in associated app.
• Page 5: Doesn’t matter as long as it says BUDGET in all caps across the top in 44-point font of choice.
• Page 6: Picture of some other company’s leadership team…or any team really, from random corporate website. Note: does not have to be in your industry.

8:40 a.m. – 10:40 a.m.

Walk around the office. All floors. Sometimes you gotta look like you’re in a hurry or whatever. But be seen walking around with a clipboard. Note: you’ll find people get out of your way and/or reduce idle chitchat by 95%. This is normal and indicates you’re doing it right.

10:40 a.m. – 11:15 a.m.

1. Sit down at your computer and print some stuff. Always print graphs and charts first, especially if part of a spreadsheet.
2. Place on top of your paper pile.
3. Maybe ask closest coworker if they watched latest sporting event or Netflix series, depending on their preferences. This makes you human and engaged with various team-building metrics your organization is undoubtedly monitoring to justify the return to office.

11:15 a.m. – 12:15 p.m.

Walk around again for an hour.

Note: It’s VERY IMPORTANT you don’t take lunch at noon. Taking lunch at 12:15 (but no later, you’ll see why) shows that you’re dedicated and, like the clipboard itself, a major contributor/not layoff-able.

12:15 p.m. – 1:00 p.m.

Deal with any actual work while eating lunch at desk to imply that you work so hard you don’t each lunch. 90% of this should be responding to emails/Slack as fast as humanly possible. Use AI. Tell it your title, industry, and company sector, as well as the requestor’s, put in the requestor’s message, then say, “Claude, please respond, but over explain, ideally mansplaining.” VERY IMPORTANT FOR AI TO KNOW THIS. Because regardless of how you identify, this ensures you will not be messaged again by the requestor, which is the point. (If this is in any way befuddling to you read The Art of War by General Sun Tzu.)

1:00 p.m. – 1:15 p.m.

Fill out another piece of graph paper, but this time with numbers. In pencil.

Yes it sounds weird but think about it: are you really the kind of person who’d write numbers on graph paper in PENCIL just to look like you’re working on something important, EXCLUSIVE even, so urgent that there’s no time to type things out, like you’re part of a skunkworks, but really you’re not doing anything but ensuring you don’t get laid off?

Yes, yes you are. You’re in an office. This is the Theater of the Absurd.

1:15 p.m. – 3:30 p.m.

At this point you gotta be able to ad lib what you’re doing depending on who asks. And you’re going to have to develop some resilience, some endurance, because this is the witching hour, you’ll be getting tired. It’s going to hurt, but it’s worth it, you’ll see.

For example, if an executive asks what you’re doing, always talk about money. So like, “Oh I think I know a way to shave 10% off the cost of the project I’m on. That’s good right?” and kinda smile and move on to signal your own inferiority while simultaneously deferring to the executive’s inherent superiority as far as the org chart is concerned.

Moving on is key. DO NOT WAIT AROUND. They’ll key in on the money saving thing, which comes in handy later.

Or if a marketing person asks you something, tell them you’re “Talking to sales and customer success for some information on our ICP, because we need more detail for [insert name of some senior manager]’s initiative.”

(A.) They’ll love it.

(B.) They will absolutely in no uncertain terms NOT want anything to do with another “initiative.”

3:30 – 5:00

Respond to emails and Slack utilizing the mansplaining technique described above. Responding to emails and Slack signals that you’re engaged/doing something, even if it’s not helpful in any way. Note: WE KNOW YOU WANT TO, BUT ABSOLUTELY DO NOT LEAVE AT 5:00!

NO!

5:00 p.m. – 5:25 p.m.

This will be the hardest part of your day. Your instincts will be screaming at you to pack up and leave. So much wasted time. Such an awful commute. Such gassy interns.

But you must not. The 5:00 p.m. – 5:25 p.m. timespan was documented by the Mayo Clinic as the most psychologically impactful time to be seen at work by senior managers, directors, vice presidents, and janitors. When seeing an underling busing themselves post 5:00 p.m., they receive 250 gallons-per-minute of the hormone and neurotransmitter Oxytocin: which supports social bonding, trust (the fools), and attachment; while enhancing empathy and warmth.

Which is code for, …”awwwwwww, Rod? No, we can’t layoff that beautiful personnnnnn…”

At least subconsciously. When the time comes.

Advocate for yourself: be Rod.

5:26 p.m.

Feign urgent phone call from wife/husband/spouse/partner/lover/pet sitter/neighbor/relative and quickly…but in a smooth criminal, efficient kind of way, pack up belongings and get the hell out of there.

DO NOT MAKE EYE CONTACT WITH ANYONE.

GO!

7:00 p.m.

Arrive home.

Congratulations: you’ve made Raul proud and free from ankle-monitoring by completing Tip #1 of:

Return To Office

Despite The Fact It Makes No Sense And There’s No Real Strategy Behind It Aside From Domination

Survival Tip Series

A Step-By-Step Guide To Your Impending Survival

You may now microwave your favorite Trader Joe’s frozen meal selection and watch the sporting event or Netflix series of your choice.

Although we suggest a nightcap of fresh vegetables or fruit, just for the vitamins and stuff.

End Scene

Trust us. It seems like a lot, but this United States Corporate Employee Public Service Announcement was born from our wildly successful Internal Development Programs Internal Development Division, the second-most profitable part of our company after merchandizing.

It’s a skunkworks of sorts where we offer ongoing training modules (to anyone with cash) on real world problem solving for employees—a.k.a. pragmatic solutioning to organizational challenges none of us are taught in school—focusing on the theater/performing arts component of work life, particularly when it involves being in-office.

Because while what we do may not define who we are, we still must do, and that requires a little showmanship, a gimmick, to work around the parts we can’t control.

So we might as well retain a bit of that agency we’re encouraged to forget, even if only for a fleeting moment.

After all, the alternative doesn’t seem that appealing.

And who knows? If we all do it together, maybe it’ll catch on.

Do you like cauliflower? Gross! It’s so gross it’s crazy! And don’t come at us about “well-seasoned cauliflower steaks on the grill” this and “Oh this chef I know makes great cauliflower pizza crust” that…come on it should be banned!

Fine, whether you like cauliflower or not, share this story with someone with similar tastes. They’ll love you for it and possibly take you out to dinner.