Made You Look

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We came up with our new marketing guy’s job description because he was too tired to write it himself. And in fact, as it turns out, he was expecting to receive said job description not only on his first day of work, but actually before if you can believe that.

As in, in advance, before he applied to the job.

Gah.

What the heck do you think this is mannnnnn? Do you know how hard it is to write a job description when no one knows what the heck is going on, ever?

Besides, we’ve noticed that everyone’s cramming eight million requirements/qualifications in their Oh-So-Thoughtfully-Written-Well-In-Advance job listings. Basically taking five different disciplines and cramming them into bizarrely hybrid specialist/generalist roles. Which is precisely why we stopped writing job descriptions ahead of time: why freak somebody out? Granted organizations are only doing this because they’re trying to figure out the future of work as they face mounting pressures that may or may not be real, but still, it’s agitating for the reader.

Indeed, our more thoughtful strategy is to simply let our junior staffers (the only normal people around here) woo these candidates, almost seduce them, by revealing how super cool we are. Well, they are, the junior people—they’re the ones that make this company cool. All the senior people around here are definitely not cool. How could they be? All they talk about is their kids and the weather and local news and traffic and return on investment and stuff.

Speaking of which, when it comes to senior people talking money stuff the name dropping is just insufferable: “[venture capital company name] ” this and “series B funding” that and “richy richy richy liquidity event blah blah.”

BOOOORRRRING. Is the game on? What’s the score?

Anyway, we finally got around to creating the job description for this new guy, Gerhart. Which of course led to a new policy/mandatory training program entitled:

Everyone Please Rewrite Your Job Description By Next Friday October 3rd 2025

Without Using Fake Business-y Sounding Words But Rather Really Describe What You Do

And Use The First Person Plural Because We’re All In This Together

Even Though We Get Paid Different Amounts

Which Might Be Unfair But We’ll Talk About That Later

Please Don’t Unionize

Or Sue

 

And a pretty sweet job description if we do say so ourselves….

 

Official Job Description: Do Not Throw In Trash Can

In Fact Make A Copy For Your Home’s Dedicated Filing Cabinet Room

 

Gerhart Pamplone

Official Senior Marketing Person

Don’t Kill The Magic LLC, XVII

A subsidiary of Lightning Strikes Investments and Casinos®, all rights reserved.

 

We currently help beloved tech brands convince millions of people to upgrade devices and/or software subscriptions they just bought last week. It’s brain influencing—which sounds sinister, but we promise it’s mostly just us staring into Figma while Googling “how to sound confident in emails and on the rare occasion when we’re invited to give a talk.”

As an Official Senior Marketing Person with an AI added to all that we do because there’s no way around AI at this point, we get to build campaigns that make people cry, cheer, or at the very least, open their wallets in a gentle, manipulated daze.

Before this, we climbed the marketing ladder the old-fashioned way: by attaching ourselves to smart people and saying things like “let’s circle back on that” with just enough fake enthusiasm to survive another Zoom call.

Over the years, we’ve led strategy for multi-million-dollar product launches, brand repositioning efforts, and more meetings than humans should endure without the expectation that they will vent their frustration through petty vandalism of local food truck pods.

Our superpower? Turning vague executive ideas into full-blown campaigns using nothing but caffeine, consternation, and an unhealthy number of sticky notes.

Outside of work, we routinely pick up our dogs’ poop with disconcertingly thin dog poop bags, aggressively correct friends when they say “less” instead of “fewer,” and pretend to like wine in certain company, especially if they’re from venture capital firms.

If you’re into talking shop, making something cool, or debating whether LEARN MORE buttons on websites will ultimately rise up and destroy us all, let’s connect. We promise not to send you a weird sales pitch or inspirational quote…unless the pitch or quote are like really good, we mean in that case you should have it, you know? You deserve nice things.

<End Scene>

 

Thus the template for all employee job descriptions was born, and man, are our intrepid employees having fun with it. Turns out it’s enlightening to describe what you really do versus what you’re either supposed to be doing or what everyone thinks you’re doing. AND, for the executive types, this provides clarity on what they, as leaders, are doing wrong, which is the sure-fire way to prevent layoffs, because layoffs only happen when management screws up. Or of course if someone turns out to be a horrible person but that’s FIRING not laying off. And man do we enjoy firing the horrible ones, no patience for that nonsense, no way.

The best part is Laura Fredelstein, our Official Senior Accounting Person, asked for a phase two of this job description nonsense ah we mean bonding exercise, where every employee writes the job description they’d love to have.

Now THAT is genius, because it turns out putting genuine effort into understanding your people – not just their “deliverables” but their actual human experience of work – creates the kind of confidence that keeps teams steady when everything else is chaos.

We figure this will be particularly handy as we plow through a time where the world seems to be telling us not to be calm. But why wouldn’t we be calm? It produces more value than it costs. And nobody ever wished they’d panicked more…so why should we?Do you have a burning desire to increase your societal standing in general? Of course you do! You have three options: get a better car, wear a better hat, or forward this to a mortal enemy. Let’s face it, we both know what best choice is, so what are you waiting for?

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Paul Galverson works for us in an unknown capacity…or maybe he’s doing research, no one can tell. He’s either from Upwork or Accenture, but based

Calm Breeds Calm

Our ultra-modern workforce of highly skilled, exclusively good-looking knowledge workers with disciplines across engineering, software development, finance, nepotism, accounting, research & development, marketing, rocketry, gigantic

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We can’t seem to get anyone in our organization to interview prospective candidates for our slightly-mysterious-yet-non-felonious enterprise. Doesn’t matter if we cajole, encourage, flatter, bribe,

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