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It would be great to invite your friends over to your vacation rental, then create a fake death scene.

There are some important keys to this gag though.

First, the vacation rental needs to be an actual vacation rental and not your house; i.e. (or e.g.) it’s not in the town you live in, you have to actually travel to get there. This lessens the likelihood of police being involved, or your friends reacting to the scene with extreme violence. It also ensures you stay committed, we think it would be easier for you to chicken out if you tried this in your own home. Don’t ask who “we” is (are?), just know we’re in the tree across the street watching you read this unless you live in the desert or the North Pole or the ocean or Anaheim; all of which significantly lack trees within which we like to hide.

Also, traveling to get to the place of the murder scene (and place of ensuing hilarity!) adds a level of mystery and excitement to this, we decided.

Next, you need to prepare something crazy elaborate. We learned it’s not cool to throw fake blood on the driveway and lie on your side with ground hamburger next to your head and your clothes all torn up, then place a taxidermized Bengal Tiger in the bushes complete with menacing growling soundtrack to simulate a carnivorous attack. People just laugh at you because there are no Bengal Tigers native to North America so at best it’s an (implausible) zoo-escape scenario…and then you get super pissed at the laughing and tell them to leave (the laughing people) and to please give me my wallet back.

We think you should do this:

Buy a bunch of guns, preferably on the internet where you have to meet the seller downtown someplace. Then go to your local shooting range and ask for the shell casings. If you say “can I collect some of the brass?” you’ll look super cool to the Range Master. We’ve always wanted that name, “Range Master.” “Hey, everything’s gonna be alright, Range Master is here.”

Also, buy a dark pair of sunglasses for each member of your family. And some pig blood.

You’ll also need:

Rolled up 100-dollar bills

Gold chain necklaces

Boom Box playing loud speed metal

Credit cards

Ammunition to fit your gun.

This is going to be great. So when you get to the vacation rental search for sugar, powdered or otherwise. This would also be a good time to see how many cameras and microphones the perverts who own this place put in the bathrooms. And kitchen.

So you’re trying to recreate blood splatter so don’t just pour the pig blood on the carpet. Take a paint brush (we told you to buy one you just forgot) and sort of flick the blood on the walls next to where you will be lying down to simulate a corpse. (You’ll be lying down to simulate a corpse).

Since you’re all dead, there needs to be an area of splatter on the wall for each member of your family.

Then pour the rest of the pig blood on the carpet. And maybe on some of the bedding. Who cares?

Next, pour the sugar in a mountainous pile in the middle of the main dining table, which is hopefully glass, that would be so cool! Then drag a portion over to each chair with a credit card. Take about half that portion and “cut” about 20 “lines”. Then of those 20 take about 5-10 and cut them in halves and/or quarters and either eat the sugar (yum) or push it on the floor or whatever. Then roll up your hundred dollar bills (a.k.a. “Benjamins”) and put them on the table, making sure to get some of the sugar on the bills so they look “used.”

We, ah, heard this is how cocaine parties work. That’s what you’re simulating.

Put a few of the sunglasses and guns on the table too.

And one of the gold-chain necklaces. And a credit card.

Okay, you’re doing good. If you have kids and they’re crying tell them you’re just playing a new form of Monopoly.

So take the ammunition that fits your gun and put it in the gun. Open the door, shoot your gun once, making sure you’re inside the vacation rental, then close the door real quick. You don’t have to shoot a hole in the wall, but we guess you could since this isn’t your place. Really we just want the smell of gunfire inside (technically cordite).

Next, take all the “brass” and throw it all over the room where the blood splatter is. Then, have your family douse themselves in the remaining pigs blood, and lie down.

(We forgot to mention the timing is important so do this at a maximum of 30 minutes before your guests arrive to avoid depression.)

You’re the last one standing (get it?), so you need to hit play on the boombox so the speed metal is really loud. And let the prostitutes in. We forgot to tell you to invite prostitutes over to add a level of realism to your First Ever Cocaine Party Shootout Death Scene gag.

Now you lie down. We know you’re super excited. Try not to giggle at the hilarity that’s about to ensue. Tell your kids to stop crying, this isn’t that weird. Nowwwww…here they are! The prostitutes just let them in! Sob uncontrollably while everyone else lays still as if you’re the only survivor.

Awesome work! Prepare ye for an onslaught of holiday, birthday and cocktail party invitations, you’re officially the talk of the town! Are they laughing? How much do your friends love you right now?

You’re welcome.

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