Every once in a while someone in this office makes the mistake of bringing by a client, despite the gigantic poster in our breakroom that reads as follows:
NO FISH IN MICROWAVE
LAST TO LEAVE TAKES OUT ALL GARBAGES
NEVER, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES, BRING A CLIENT INTO THIS OFFICE ARE YOU INSANE?
Alas, despite ever-increasing font sizes and the exclusive use of red ink, these fools inevitably bring by some highfalutin customer/client/businessperson who subsequently freaks out, cancels our contract, and calls the local SWAT team. It’s so incredibly annoying, mostly because it reveals a total lack of alignment across our teams due to incredibly inept leadership, which we quite naturally blame on our approximately 33 unpaid interns.
Here’s how it works. Aspiring salesperson walks in after a few highballs with [insert client’s name] and salesperson is carrying on about our tech and innovation and young-yet-sophisticated/no-dumbasses-here vibe, then they round the corner by Michelle’s desk and bam, there it is, a life-sized cutout of Jermaine Dupri next to an open gun safe filled with gas masks and Austrian automatic rifles.
Which, understandably, is weird. But the guns aren’t loaded and Michelle is actually related to Jermaine Dupri and gun safes are REALLY heavy, like super heavy, even when they’re empty, so getting it out of the office is no small feat when we’ve got deals to close and faxes to send and all the other stuff that makes people really busy.
Besides, we pride ourselves on self-expression around here. Life’s rich pageant and all that. Diverse perspectives and backgrounds making us more effective because it turns out the world isn’t one color/religion/belief system/dietary preference etc. etc. so the more diversity you bring to the equation the better the odds for your collective success.
So on and so forth.
Meaning, self-expression is one of many cultural elements that make us successful. Which is not to say our office is a free-for-all. In fact, it’s far from it, as evidenced by our various, beloved, strategic, and very mandatory thought leadership/animal bathing training programs you know and love and can’t stop thinking about, including:
Train Your Brain To Not Do Stupid Stuff
Spiritual Combat
Don’t Kill The Magic
Let’s Start Here
How To Aim An Austrian Automatic Rifle At Throngs Of Steadily Advancing Troubled Racists
Wombat Bathing For People Who Don’t Like Animal Hair
Rat Patrol/How To Keep The Front Door Closed
What To Do And Not Do With Clients
Granted, these programs, which we paid McKinsey roughly $20 million to develop, experience varying levels of success. But still, the point is that you can’t expect to achieve remarkable results from a diverse group of people without offering them something to hold on tight to when things go south. And things always go south. Always.
There’s this myth out there that some organizations thrive purely due to an impossible, illogical amount of luck that both doesn’t exist and, if it did, would be purely unattainable. OR, an organization thrives because The Leadership descends from a genetic combination of Alexander The Great, Catherine Hepburn, and Eleanor Roosevelt.
But neither are true: organizations thrive because when they break, they come back together. And that comes from “alignment,” a.k.a. voluntary enrollment, a.k.a. “I see how this place is, and I want to be a part of that.” And one of the best ways to ensure that people come back together when times are tough is to create the conditions for self-expression—free from reprisal—while making the mission, vision, and values of the collective whole clear.
It’s not that hard when you think about it. If you need us, we need you. And by the way, the real you, not some character you feel forced to adopt when you walk through the front door.
So yes, overall, we have it pretty good around here.
That being said, we’ve still got to figure out our clients-in-the-office problem. We’ve maxed out our font size at 172…anything beyond that would require us moving to a stadium or corporate industrial complex, so we’re all out of ideas.
Let us know if you think of anything good.
Need help? We have tons of interns standing by massive phone banks ala 1986 telethons. Call 1.888.4.PLNT.ROCK and an operator will be standing by doing God knows what.