Have you heard those stories about Australian rugby teams being on international flights and they have their uniforms on or at least red and white horizontal-striped long-sleeved shirts with grass stains and blood all over and they’re already drunk then they just keep partying and getting more drunk and somehow the flight attendants and all the passengers are cool with it although when I try to party like that on a plane I at best get scolded and/or told I’m a “travesty” and at worst forcibly detained by a Sky Marshall in the gross lavatory?
Then, as the story goes, the next thing you know the whole section of the cabin is doing that arm-in-arm swaying embrace chain and singing good ol’ Australian soccer or football or whatever ballads and the team has plied the entire plane with beer and lo and behold there’s the captain but it’s cool ‘cause everything’s on autopilot. And everyone gets wasted. And has total patience with the outright brawls that spontaneously erupt amongst the players every thirty seconds. It’s fine. They’re Australian.
Have you heard about this? I believe it. I’ve heard it.
At least once. Or possibly I saw it in a movie. Or maybe I dreamt it.
I once dreamt I was driving a Ferrari (the original Magnum P.I. from-the-80’s-kind you can now buy for like 22-grand. Did you know Tom Selleck was a BIG TIME heartthrob in the 80’s? My friend’s mom told my friend this fairly recently…which is weird now that I think about it forget I said that)…and it kept stalling because I couldn’t figure out how to shift gears (Ferrari’s have gated shifting so you have to finesse it just right…c’mon really they do, look it up. As per usual I refuse to use the wonder-killer to fact check my made up factual stories).
Then years later but still a long time ago I heard or saw on the Today Show before it became creepy (it had Jane Pauley back then, she’s decidedly un-creepy) that in dreams cars symbolize your life. Which was highly discouraging to hear Jane say considering the content of my dream. She did wink at me though. Not that I like her. No way.
The point is, Australian rugby teams getting everyone on a plane drunk gives me hope. Hope we can eviscerate the mundane.
I spend so much time looking at the mundane. Concrete sidewalks. Blank chalk boards. High-speed powerboats filled with bags of what appears to be flour – they race by really fast so the flour doesn’t get weevils before it’s dropped off at the store.
Or, professionally speaking, job descriptions that seem somehow threatening. That’s right, threatening. Have you ever noticed that? Read some job descriptions. They’re THREATENING. Try it out, right now. It’s like the job poster assumes you’re planning a felony on your first day.
What else is mundane – oh, anyone who talks about their work. They launch into these defensively-postured spiels about the mission and the role and the oh my God shut up and tell me what you really think. I can say this, because I’ve done it. Never again, I vow.
How about mind-numbing local news? At least there are attractive anchor people to look at – they have incredible hair, the men and women both. I wonder if they have get-togethers and when everyone shows up at the traffic reporter’s condo they’re all somehow perfectly coiffed like during the 9 p.m. news. And they probably DON’T DRINK at these things since they’re worried about the lbs. the camera adds. So there’s lots of celery available. And water. And they talk about…what do they talk about? Oh, other anchors of course. It’s like junior high all over again. They absolutely have to spend the majority of their social time making fun of different channels’ news teams. I bet they prank them too – like call during the news hour to let the live anchors know they have a piece of celery in their teeth. Or that they’re fat. At least that’s what I’d do if I was a news anchor. Maybe not the fat thing that’s pretty mean. Fortunately for society I’m scared of teleprompters and rouge so we don’t have to worry about this anymore.
I forgot what we were talking about. I will take another rose spritzer though. It’s hot here.
Oh! Right. Cool stuff happening to people. That’s the theme. And not being boring. And blowing up the mundane. The internet, where we all spend so much time, is dishearteningly grey to me as it morphs into the media machine that it is (present internet excluded of course). So that’s the point. Next time you’re traveling, or working, or doing whatever, pretend you’re on an Australian rugby team and have a beer or spritzer or whatever for me.
Water works too. Just drink it in an un-mundane way.