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Sometimes looking at someone straight in the eye makes you want to do the “wave.”
“C’mon, let’s do the wave!”

A good first date move is to respectively go in for a kiss then stop and ask if they’ve recently had garlic so you play hard to get.

With the coming of summer Tom eargerly anticipated the huge influx of hot chicken soup food trucks at the beach.

When I run and I’m passed by faster runners, I don’t want them to get all cocky so I tell them there’s a body in the bushes up ahead.

If I owned an exotic pet food supply store, when someone comes in and asks for a mouse for their snake, I’d come out in a giant mouse costume, growling and roaring like Godzilla, just to provide that extra bit of great service.

If your spouse ever says they want a divorce the first thing you should do is grab all the pans in the house and drive away so you can still have dinners.

“I can’t let you keep working here unless you clean yourself up, you look terrible,” Ed told me.
“Ed,” I said. “Ed.” And walked away but not really – I was looking to steal Ed’s tuna sandwich from the fridge.

The #1 animal trait I’d like as a human is buoyancy.

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Engaging irreverence, occasional coherence, often pointed, mixed with enough indelicate humor as to create a want, a craving for more.