Our Chief Operating Officer, Yvette Roland-Smith, found us a new Senior Manager, Plant Operations, to work under our Director of Plant Operations, Joanna Shippenbock.
God what a mess. We’ve got so many job titles and job descriptions flying around this place it’s insane.
Plus one time we did this experiment where we seated all 109 of our Mid-Atlantic Employees—from departments including:
- Research and Development
- Psychological Weapons Enablement
- Marketing
- Human Resources…oh crap, sorry, our Chief People Officer tells me that’s now called “People & Teams” so there you go People and Teams
- International Relations, Greenland
- Shipping & Receiving
—in the auditorium, and asked them to stand when we read a given job description that covered their duties.
It’s Not A Fun Fact
Fun fact. At any given job description, 82% of our people stood. 82%
We even used drone footage to ensure the accuracy of the results.
So that tells us we’ve basically created one gigantic Barnum Effect at this place through our complete lack of clarity about what we’re doing or why anyone should be here.
You know, Barnum Effect, that thing where people find personal meaning in vague, general statements that could apply to almost anyone. Typically reserved for horoscopes, tarot readings, personality profiles, or similar ambiguous claptrap. But no, we’ve taken it to a new, professional, and utterly disastrous level. It’s a wonder we get any psychological weapons enabled at all.
So this new Senior Manager, Plant Operations (technically Employee #489, South Midwest Region) has the awesome name of Carlina Lettoni.
Super smart, laid back, super cool chick…ah sorry the damn People and Teams People tell us we can’t say “chick”… super cool she/her. She fits right in, pitches right in, doesn’t steal—all the stuff we strive for in terms of mission, vision, values, so on and so forth.
So great in fact, we had to press Yvette on how she found such a great Employee #489 for the South Midwest Region. That’s when Yvette said she bets on the crosswalk, every time.
You Can Tell A Lot About Someone By How They Use The Crosswalk
It turns out Yvette did a stint as a third-party recruiter in Elkhart, Indiana, likely because there was literally nothing else to do there. Plus at one point she was a part-time defense attorney because of something her husband did, thus she REALLY knows what to ask, how to ask it, how to respond, then how to ratchet up the pressure to see which parts of someone’s story stick, and which come cascading down like so many broken dreams.
But Yvette didn’t rise to the storied rank of Our Chief Operating Officer because of doing what everyone else does, no way. Meaning any Tom, Dick, or Harry can break someone’s psyche during an interview, that’s old hat. Which means old hat results. So to land someone like Carlina Lettoni? That takes…a magical way of thinking.
It’s Not Magical It’s Practical And Observant Is All
About three years ago, after a we had a bad run of accidentally hiring horrible human beings across all departments, Yvette decided to raise our hiring standards.
Step one was holding all interviews in our Meeting and Séance room—located on our ground floor right next to the entryway but left of the marble statue of Dionysus—a room which happens to provide the perfect view of Southeast Ash Street’s mid-block crosswalk.
It’s one of those crosswalks with the big ol’ stripes and signs all over the place and green bike lanes and flashy, button-activated lights and flags and even lights in the ground so that it resembles an exploding Electric Daisy Carnival every time somebody crosses the street to buy more smokes at Mr. Bills Shop ‘n Smoke….Lord knows no one is crossing the other way to come here.
Except those poor interviewees.
Four Kinds Of Truth
Which is no accident as Yvette always has our People & Teams People tell candidates they can’t park here because the grease trap in the cafeteria is clogged again and makes the underground garage super dangerous to walk on. Which is rarely untrue, but indeed all part of Yvette’s elaborate plan.
She says it happens every time. On the way here, crossing, candidates are on their best behavior, hitting all the lights and waving all the flags and gingerly yet respectfully and visibly walking out until the “doing 51 in a 25” traffic Ash Street is known for finally stops to allow passage.
Implying they are normal, good citizens. Which Yvette consistently, systematically ignores, because it’s how they use the crosswalk AFTER the interview that matters.
That’s when Yvette gingerly, barely pulls open one of the black velour curtains that cover the 16-foot, street-facing windows of our Meeting and Séance room to find, what she calls, the “candidate’s truth.” Which according to her comes in four crosswalking forms:
- Punch and Go Oblivious– These empty vessels hit the button and immediately step into traffic like they’re walking through an automatic door at Safeway. No glance left, no glance right, just pure faith that their button-pushing skills have activated some kind of force field. (They clearly haven’t.)
- Reckless Risk– They see you coming. They know you see them. They hit the button, lock eyes with you through your windshield, and step off the curb when it’s pouring rain, you’re doing 35 mph, and they’ve given you exactly 12 feet to stop. It’s not crossing—it’s a power move with a death wish attached. Scientific fact: many of these Reckless Risk-types, man, woman, they, them, live in a constant state of arousal.
- Wait and Go– They hit the button. They wait for the light. They look both ways like their kindergarten teacher taught them. They cross when it’s safe. It’s refreshingly revolutionary.
- Arrogant Kill Me– They hit the button and assume the entire universe has ground to a halt in reverence. No eye contact. No acknowledgment of oncoming traffic. Just a slow, deliberate saunter across the street in their carefully curated street gear, projecting the energy of someone who believes crosswalks were invented specifically for them.
Imagine A World With Proper Crosswalk Usage
Yvette clearly states she hires for number 3, because numbers 1, 2, and 4 demonstrate a fundamental inability to assess risk, read a room, operate within agreed-upon social systems, or think of anything outside themselves.
Number 3 demonstrates situational awareness, respect for shared infrastructure and marble statues, and the rare ability to participate in collective functioning without being a liability or a narcissist.
For now we haven’t figured out a better way to determine the version of someone that will eventually show up here during our (sigh) meetings or (yay!) company happy hours (you have to sign a waiver), other than Yvette’s crosswalk soothsaying.
But so far it’s turned out pretty well so maybe we don’t need to change a thing:
- morale is up
- screamings down
- way fewer street drugs found hidden behind the refrigerator in the break room
- no crying
- etc.
Plus all the money stuff is looking better.
The only bad news is we have to hire more people, which means looking for a much larger office building…maybe even a complex or compound of some sort.
With a fountain in the courtyard, maybe some cherubs spewing water out their mouths as they ride some nondescript species of fish in what appears to be a series of frothing waves.
Come to think of it, that’s sounding more and more like a good idea too.
Do you ever sit on the toilet and run out of toilet paper then think what a horrible life you have because you have to go get more or yell at someone to go get more? Hey relax, it’s not so bad, there are way worse things in the world. Like not sharing this article with a friend because we might just make sure something happens to that nice car of yours.