Salish Sea, Washington – A man appeared standing sideways at a public urinal in a men’s room off the Salish Sea Thursday, April 23rd at approximately 11:33 a.m. according to several witnesses.
“I hadn’t seen anything like that since grade school,” said innocent passerby John Rigenthole, an electrical engineer by trade. “I mean, I kind of rounded the corner to the urinal too quickly to begin with as I had to go really bad, and frankly this restroom is under-utilized so I’m used to having it all to myself, and anyway there the guy is fumbling with his belt,” said Rigenthole, who claimed he promptly turned away and vacated the premises in search of a well concealed bush as an alternative resource.
Universally accepted men’s room urinal etiquette states maintaining a pelvic position parallel to the receptacle in use from start to finish, including during the refastening of apparel, is required to maintain social order. Similarly, casual conversation or lots of head movement is highly discouraged.
“He looked kind of older, so maybe he was confused, but he was dressed quite nicely and didn’t seemed bothered at all by the fact that he was in the wrong position,” said Kirk Mieser, an avid sportsman who had stopped into the facility after a brisk sea kayaking session.
“He was moving really slowly, totally relaxed as he was putting himself back together, so to speak,” said Meiser. “I just kind of waited behind him, then it just kept taking longer and longer and I started to sweat but then he finally finished and leisurely strolled out, completely nonplussed.”
The restroom facility is unique in its layout of one urinal, two stalls – something Port Officials were concerned about during the design and construction phase of the project.
“I knew this project was doomed from the start,” said Edgar Motlong, Vice President of Construction and Development for the Port. “I kept telling the architects and project managers the setup was too confining and the layout created a space that didn’t feel like a public restroom, which would lead to hyper-casual restroom habits as people would subconsciously behave as if they were in their own homes,” said Motlong.
Executives with the Port were informed of the incident, and further investigations are ongoing. Sources within the Port confirmed that the man had all his garments up and was not exposed by any means, but his perpendicular positioning and pants-fumbling was enough to warrant the investigation.
“My friend Sal told me about it,” said Mark Gulburg, unemployed. “I’m never going in there again. I only use facilities where people act like professionals. No talking, no eye contact, no ‘how’s it going’ or other awkward questions. Come on,” said Gulburg.
At press time, the Port’s Facebook Feed claimed new signage with the Rules of Etiquette in 100 point font will be placed above the troubled urinal, and a 6-month, $1.5 million efficacy study will determine whether a tear down/redesign will be necessary.