Does the act of picking up dog poop vary amongst human beings?
So an A-list celebrity, for example; when they pick up their dog’s poop, is it like most things A-list and done with a smooth, quiet, undulating grace glimmering in wealth?
Perhaps once you’re in a major motion picture you have people to do this for you. Surely they’re attractive and unusually skinny and pick up the defilement in a similarly unattainable way.
I haven’t figured out a way to do it smoothly – as I bend at the waist (you’re supposed to do this right, in general, never bend with your knees, always bend and lift with your back) a sort of wheezed exhalation happens (possibly due to lockdown weight gain) and I inevitably grunt then scoop up the bits in the bag. And mutter to myself “gross.”
Afterword I walk around fairly nonchalantly, oftentimes with the bag in the same hand as my travelling coffee mug (I draw morning duty). I think I’ve even taken a sip of coffee with bag in-hand, tilting the mug and the bag up simultaneously. That’s pretty gross. Oh my God that’s really gross – which explains why my neighbors don’t talk to me.
I bet Brad Pitt or that guy from The Office who does the Good News Network do it in some enviably cool fashion while dressed in velour sweatsuits and brand new white extra cushy sneakers. In fact their wealthy dogs probably somehow bag their own poo themselves. I hate celebrities.
The worst is when my bag roll is empty and I don’t know it. As my dog squats ever so awkwardly (all dogs look ridiculous when they make the music – I feel bad for them, talk about feeling conspicuous, I bet many have bathroom anxiety) I get all sweaty and nervous in anticipation of walking away, leaving the deposit on someone’s primo green lawn, then having some enraged (albeit nosy) homeowner burst through their front door asking me exactly who the hell do I think I am to leave their yard soiled? Then I’d have this faltering, voice-cracking conversation about how the bag ran out and I’ll be right back just hold on…etc.
What a pain this dog is. Why do things have to be so complicated?
Well, I’ll watch Inside Edition or Extra every night for a few weeks and see if I can get some insight as to how rich beautiful celebrities do it. It may cost me some brain cells, but I’ve got plenty to give away so it will be fine.
In the meantime I’ll see if Benji can be trained in proper toilet usage.