I keep this list on my phone.
Also, I hate my phone. Like, there’s something wrong with me. I’ve tried every “tone” or beep or whatever, but whenever it goes off I sort of convulse/snap grab it as if to hurl it through a window as my heart rate jumps to 130.
I think it’s against me in general. I just recently learned how to turn off 90% of its notifications, which has helped significantly. But now, as if to communicate its displeasure at its newfound impotency, it glows intermittently in the middle of the night, pulsating when I’m asleep. As I become fully awake it shuts off and acts like nothing’s happened.
My wife says I’m going crazy. Which is further evidence my phone is against me. It’s trying to split up my marriage.
Back to the list. Wait, I have to see what App I use for my list. Oh, it’s called “Pages.” Which is an insidious reference in itself – implying that it’s the 14th century and my phone is the valiant Knight I’m its lowly personal attendant; or otherwise being summoned by the device in general.
Sidebar: I also think my phone is upset because I explained the story of Pavlov’s Dog to my son the other day, and how a human’s response to a phone is thus “Pavlovian,” and who does he in fact want to be, in charge of his life or a slave to an inanimate (yet bitter and spiteful) object? My son kept telling me to stop talking so he could just have fun and be a normal kid at which point I told him it’s way too late for that. Way too late.
What was I talking about? Oh, the list! So I have this list on my phone, inspired by a great book, Steal Like An Artist. The idea being that we all need a piece of paper or some such ability to record when an idea pops into our heads. I go through phases that range from highly productive to standstill mouth-breathing as far as my diligence for recording ideas is concerned. But at least it’s something.
So for this post I was going to go to my list and pull some ideas because I felt a little flat and pressured due to some time constraints that came up (e.g. my wife’s itinerary for me for the day). But it turned into a rant about my bitter, untrustworthy phone.
Then I looked at my list, just to give an example, and they were all terrible, horrific and embarrassing ideas, destined to go nowhere. Obviously this phone, which is also likely a thief, tax evader and vandal, is trying to make me look like an idiot.
It looks like I’ll be going analog from here on out.