Don’t go commando

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Do people still buy houses?

Frequently I walk my dog because I have to. Technically I don’t have to, we have a doggie door built into our circa 1912 big-old-wood-framed door (doggie door will be listed as “updated fixtures” when we list our house) but still I think it’s good for him to get outside, smell large quantities of other dogs’ urine and exercise his teeny dog thighs (teeny relative to a human, compared to other dogs he has medium-small thighs). I think.

As I walk this dog, who will remain unnamed to protect his identity, I notice signs in front of houses reminiscent of the standard Realtor® blade sign on a 90-degree wood post contraption (there must be a whole industry behind these wood post contraptions). Reminiscent, as these signs lack pieces of paper listing the price.

Now before you go all crazy on me about Redfin and Zillow the other (original, not the ones who were forced to adapt) online home selling companies, let me state that even the traditional real estate companies don’t seem to be providing the price in a physical format.

I don’t think it’s COVID related. Which reminds me, am I supposed to be wearing a mask when I walk my small-thighed dog? I wear one at the grocery store and gas station and parole office and nail salon and yacht club and Tesla dealership. But when I’m walking the dog looking at price-less housing I think I’m okay to go commando. Right?

Admittedly, I’m enraged by this lack of pricing because it frustrates my ability to snoop, then gossip about my findings. How am I supposed to be seen as a “in-the-know” kind of guy when the information is distinctly lacking? My whole social identity is based on providing gossipy, albeit useless information so people think I’m interesting. Now they know I’m a vapid dud. 

Okay, before you go all crazy and tell me to scan the QR code or “go online” or god forbid call the listed number let me remind you I’m extraordinarily lazy and mobile phones/The Internet gives me a headache. I’m NOT going to sit there mashing my device while the dog pees on the sign and scowling masked walkers/pet owners/fitness enthusiasts cross the street to avoid my masklessness. 

I do think masks are important, for the record.

But others appear to be undeterred by this “just make your best guess” pricing strategy. Two houses down, a property with only a phone number listed transacted just a few weeks ago for a billion dollars. (I don’t live in a fancy neighborhood, houses in Seattle just cost one billion dollars).

The couple who moved in (I’m assuming they’re the new owners) seem really nice. Since I’ve only talked to them (really just the lady) once, in passing, I didn’t feel it was time to bring up how irritating it must have been to find the price. Next time, for sure.

Oh, this couple consists of what appears to be 19-year-olds. Nothing against 19-year-olds, it’s just that they’re young and spry and have their whole lives ahead of them, so how on earth are they buying a billion-dollar home? 

Most likely with proceeds derived for working for The Internet. Or designing mobile apps designed to interface with real estate companies’ listings, complete with pricing information. 

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