How To Take Over the World or At Least Your Neighborhood

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Typically I like to see people’s houses so I can judge how successful they are. Big nice house = big nice success. No problems whatsoever, most likely.

However, 2020 has forced me to change my tune. I’ve realized that the trappings of apparent success (home ownership, boat ownership, diner club membership, sword ownership) are just that – apparent trappings. 

Happiness doesn’t come from things, it comes from accomplishing things. Big nice rich things. So yes, I’ve revamped my outlook and have a new lease on life complete with heavy emphasis on obtaining more tangible items.

Thus, I’d like to reward you with a Top Most Tangible Items From Which You Now Can Derive Complete Happiness in 2020 list. 

Some of them are simple, coy, benign, maybe a little flirty, sitting right in front of you…winking…offering to buy you a highball if only you’d put down that damn phone and catch their appropriately meaningful, yet leering gaze:

Carpets with vacuum marks on them.

Rugs with vacuum marks on them.

A slightly newer car than your neighbor’s


An effective window cleaner

Others are more complex, like Naan or Marxist politicians: 

New hot sauces (brought to you by Nando’s Peri Peri®)

Meow Wolf

Gold medallions

Streetwear that doesn’t make you look like a poser

Still others may fly in the face of humble tradition, but let’s face it right now the world needs less humble and more In Your Face Bragging:

Any Tesla

Hot tub. Minimum 7-person capacity

A handbag but made for dudes

Southern California

So there, no need to thank me or the research team. Simply add a few of the things from this list to your life each week and enjoy the sensation of peace and relaxation that only comes from Buddhism or collecting shiny things that in one way or another convey your status. Just remember, Buddhism’s a lot more work.

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