God what a mess. We’ve got so many job titles and job descriptions flying around this place it’s insane.

Plus one time we did this experiment where we seated all 109 of our Mid-Atlantic Employees—from departments including:

• Research and Development
• Psychological Weapons Enablement
• Marketing
• Human Resources…oh crap, sorry, our Chief People Officer tells me that’s now called “People & Teams” so there you go People and Teams
• International Relations, Greenland
• Shipping & Receiving

—in the auditorium, and asked them to stand when we read a given job description that covered their duties.

It’s Not A Fun Fact

Fun fact. At any given job description, 82% of our people stood. 82%

We even used drone footage to ensure the accuracy of the results.

So that tells us we’ve basically created one gigantic Barnum Effect at this place through our complete lack of clarity about what we’re doing or why anyone should be here.

You know, Barnum Effect, that thing where people find personal meaning in vague, general statements that could apply to almost anyone. Typically reserved for horoscopes, tarot readings, personality profiles, or similar ambiguous claptrap. But no, we’ve taken it to a new, professional, and utterly disastrous level. It’s a wonder we get any psychological weapons enabled at all.

So this new Senior Manager, Plant Operations (technically Employee #489, South Midwest Region) has the awesome name of Carlina Lettoni.

Super smart, laid back, super cool chick…ah sorry the damn People and Teams People tell us we can’t say “chick”… super cool she/her. She fits right in, pitches right in, doesn’t steal—all the stuff we strive for in terms of mission, vision, values, so on and so forth.

So great in fact, we had to press Yvette on how she found such a great Employee #489 for the South Midwest Region. That’s when Yvette said she bets on the crosswalk, every time.

You Can Tell A Lot About Someone By How They Use The Crosswalk

It turns out Yvette did a stint as a third-party recruiter in Elkhart, Indiana, likely because there was literally nothing else to do there. Plus at one point she was a part-time defense attorney because of something her husband did, thus she REALLY knows what to ask, how to ask it, how to respond, then how to ratchet up the pressure to see which parts of someone’s story stick, and which come cascading down like so many broken dreams.

But Yvette didn’t rise to the storied rank of Our Chief Operating Officer because of doing what everyone else does, no way. Meaning any Tom, Dick, or Harry can break someone’s psyche during an interview, that’s old hat. Which means old hat results. So to land someone like Carlina Lettoni? That takes…a magical way of thinking.

It’s Not Magical It’s Practical And Observant Is All 

About three years ago, after a we had a bad run of accidentally hiring horrible human beings across all departments, Yvette decided to raise our hiring standards.

Step one was holding all interviews in our Meeting and Séance room—located on our ground floor right next to the entryway but left of the marble statue of Dionysus—a room which happens to provide the perfect view of Southeast Ash Street’s mid-block crosswalk.

It’s one of those crosswalks with the big ol’ stripes and signs all over the place and green bike lanes and flashy, button-activated lights and flags and even lights in the ground so that it resembles an exploding Electric Daisy Carnival every time somebody crosses the street to buy more smokes at Mr. Bills Shop ‘n Smoke….Lord knows no one is crossing the other way to come here.

Except those poor interviewees.

Four Kinds Of Truth

Which is no accident as Yvette always has our People & Teams People tell candidates they can’t park here because the grease trap in the cafeteria is clogged again and makes the underground garage super dangerous to walk on. Which is rarely untrue, but indeed all part of Yvette’s elaborate plan.

She says it happens every time. On the way here, crossing, candidates are on their best behavior, hitting all the lights and waving all the flags and gingerly yet respectfully and visibly walking out until the “doing 51 in a 25” traffic Ash Street is known for finally stops to allow passage.

Implying they are normal, good citizens. Which Yvette consistently, systematically ignores, because it’s how they use the crosswalk AFTER the interview that matters.

That’s when Yvette gingerly, barely pulls open one of the black velour curtains that cover the 16-foot, street-facing windows of our Meeting and Séance room to find, what she calls, the “candidate’s truth.” Which according to her comes in four crosswalking forms:

1. Punch and Go Oblivious– These empty vessels hit the button and immediately step into traffic like they’re walking through an automatic door at Safeway. No glance left, no glance right, just pure faith that their button-pushing skills have activated some kind of force field. (They clearly haven’t.)
2. Reckless Risk– They see you coming. They know you see them. They hit the button, lock eyes with you through your windshield, and step off the curb when it’s pouring rain, you’re doing 35 mph, and they’ve given you exactly 12 feet to stop. It’s not crossing—it’s a power move with a death wish attached. Scientific fact: many of these Reckless Risk-types, man, woman, they, them, live in a constant state of arousal.
3. Wait and Go– They hit the button. They wait for the light. They look both ways like their kindergarten teacher taught them. They cross when it’s safe. It’s refreshingly revolutionary.
4. Arrogant Kill Me– They hit the button and assume the entire universe has ground to a halt in reverence. No eye contact. No acknowledgment of oncoming traffic. Just a slow, deliberate saunter across the street in their carefully curated street gear, projecting the energy of someone who believes crosswalks were invented specifically for them.

Imagine A World With Proper Crosswalk Usage

Yvette clearly states she hires for number 3, because numbers 1, 2, and 4 demonstrate a fundamental inability to assess risk, read a room, operate within agreed-upon social systems, or think of anything outside themselves.

Number 3 demonstrates situational awareness, respect for shared infrastructure and marble statues, and the rare ability to participate in collective functioning without being a liability or a narcissist.

For now we haven’t figured out a better way to determine the version of someone that will eventually show up here during our (sigh) meetings or (yay!) company happy hours (you have to sign a waiver), other than Yvette’s crosswalk soothsaying.

But so far it’s turned out pretty well so maybe we don’t need to change a thing:

• morale is up
• screamings down
• way fewer street drugs found hidden behind the refrigerator in the break room
• no crying
• etc.

Plus all the money stuff is looking better.

The only bad news is we have to hire more people, which means looking for a much larger office building…maybe even a complex or compound of some sort.

With a fountain in the courtyard, maybe some cherubs spewing water out their mouths as they ride some nondescript species of fish in what appears to be a series of frothing waves.

Come to think of it, that’s sounding more and more like a good idea too.

Do you ever sit on the toilet and run out of toilet paper then think what a horrible life you have because you have to go get more or yell at someone to go get more? Hey relax, it’s not so bad, there are way worse things in the world. Like not sharing this article with a friend because we might just make sure something happens to that nice car of yours.

• No sign on building (just the weather-marked outlines of marquees from the two previous tenants: Kohl’s, and Rod’s Guns ‘n Autos, the latter of which we wished still existed)
• Owned by 24 different LLCs and one Dubaian investment group we’ve never met in person
• Bank exclusively in Cayman Islands
• No social media presence (still don’t get that)

…and much more that we can’t disclose here due to fear of reprisal from various hate groups including the Vermont Department of Revenue, Internal Revenue Service, Department of Defense, and Toastmasters International.

So to keep Raul out of the joint we had to absorb his community service requirement. Not out of any altruism or loyalty to Raul, no way. Rather to ensure the spigot to our merchandise revenue stream doesn’t shut off. That would be a friggin’ disaster — it’s the only thing generating consistent revenue these days while we re-work our technological advancements, which turned out to be too spikey and pokey for consumers to use or even touch, as reflected by all the lawsuits.

So we proffered an idea to the magistrate and she bit because she knows first-hand this is a hot topic and frankly she wants the press, of which there will be ample.

Therefor and without further ado, welcome you to our official United States Corporate Employee Public Service Announcement, aptly titled (if we do say so ourselves):

Return To Office

Despite The Fact It Makes No Sense And There’s No Real Strategy Behind It Aside From Domination

Survival Tip Series

Tip #1 (of 20)

Treat Yourself To A Clipboard.

That’s Right, A Clipboard.

A Step-By-Step Guide To Your Impending Survival

For those knowledge workers begrudgingly donning clean underwear every weekday morning for the first time since 2020 so they can return to the office 3-5 days a week in a socially acceptable manner…it’s time to buy a clipboard.

Nothing says “major contributor/do not layoff” like briskly walking around your stuffy officeprison with a clipboard.

Ideally with a grim-yet-determined expression set on your beautiful countenance.

Here’s your plan:

1. Buy clipboard.
2. Steal 10 or so pieces of paper* from the supply closet or closest printer tray.
3. Use the following playbook.

* If your company no longer uses analog equipment like paper because they’ve over-indexed on AI tools including VR headsets, go to Office Max.

Sorry maybe you can expense it.

(Note: all times are approximate. For example, we don’t know where you live…at least in theory…nor do we know how simple or complex your personal life is….in theory…but yes you should dump him Sharon.)

 To be implemented Monday through Thursday (Friday is a rest day. You’ll need it. You’ll see.)

4:30 a.m. – 7 a.m.

1. Stumble around domicile confused, groggy, and cursing between gulps of black coffee or (god forbid) some lesser-effective stimulant like green tea or Yerba Matte.
2. Attend to pet(s).
3. Take unrelaxing shower.
4. Locate long forgotten underwear drawer, spend minimum of 10 minutes selecting appropriate cut of undergarment based on predicted thermostatic setting of office.
5. Spend a minimum of 40 minutes selecting rest of wardrobe based on the social forces that swirl about your workplace while forlornly eyeing sweatpants drawer.
6. Forgo desire to shop online for new, better outfits.
7. Get in car/on bike/train whatever. Hopefully it’s not the bus busses are gross. Don’t forget to lock front door.

8 a.m. – 8:40 a.m.

• Arrive after harrowing, maddening commute.
• Practice grim/determined expression in restroom (should be easy after commute).
• Load clipboard with paper in the following reverse chronological order, unless you’re in the Southern Hemisphere since you must account for the Coriolis Effect, in which case use chronological order, but backwards.
• Page 1: Handwritten list of some kind. Include acronyms. And arrows.
• Page 2: Printout of pie chart from last Thursday’s PowerPoint presentation (10^th that week) you didn’t pay attention to because there’s way too much information packed in each and every slide.
• Page 3: Graph paper with 20 completely random squares shaded in with pencil
• Page 4: Printout of whatever Excel file or Google sheet is at the top of the “recent” list in associated app.
• Page 5: Doesn’t matter as long as it says BUDGET in all caps across the top in 44-point font of choice.
• Page 6: Picture of some other company’s leadership team…or any team really, from random corporate website. Note: does not have to be in your industry.

8:40 a.m. – 10:40 a.m.

Walk around the office. All floors. Sometimes you gotta look like you’re in a hurry or whatever. But be seen walking around with a clipboard. Note: you’ll find people get out of your way and/or reduce idle chitchat by 95%. This is normal and indicates you’re doing it right.

10:40 a.m. – 11:15 a.m.

1. Sit down at your computer and print some stuff. Always print graphs and charts first, especially if part of a spreadsheet.
2. Place on top of your paper pile.
3. Maybe ask closest coworker if they watched latest sporting event or Netflix series, depending on their preferences. This makes you human and engaged with various team-building metrics your organization is undoubtedly monitoring to justify the return to office.

11:15 a.m. – 12:15 p.m.

Walk around again for an hour.

Note: It’s VERY IMPORTANT you don’t take lunch at noon. Taking lunch at 12:15 (but no later, you’ll see why) shows that you’re dedicated and, like the clipboard itself, a major contributor/not layoff-able.

12:15 p.m. – 1:00 p.m.

Deal with any actual work while eating lunch at desk to imply that you work so hard you don’t each lunch. 90% of this should be responding to emails/Slack as fast as humanly possible. Use AI. Tell it your title, industry, and company sector, as well as the requestor’s, put in the requestor’s message, then say, “Claude, please respond, but over explain, ideally mansplaining.” VERY IMPORTANT FOR AI TO KNOW THIS. Because regardless of how you identify, this ensures you will not be messaged again by the requestor, which is the point. (If this is in any way befuddling to you read The Art of War by General Sun Tzu.)

1:00 p.m. – 1:15 p.m.

Fill out another piece of graph paper, but this time with numbers. In pencil.

Yes it sounds weird but think about it: are you really the kind of person who’d write numbers on graph paper in PENCIL just to look like you’re working on something important, EXCLUSIVE even, so urgent that there’s no time to type things out, like you’re part of a skunkworks, but really you’re not doing anything but ensuring you don’t get laid off?

Yes, yes you are. You’re in an office. This is the Theater of the Absurd.

1:15 p.m. – 3:30 p.m.

At this point you gotta be able to ad lib what you’re doing depending on who asks. And you’re going to have to develop some resilience, some endurance, because this is the witching hour, you’ll be getting tired. It’s going to hurt, but it’s worth it, you’ll see.

For example, if an executive asks what you’re doing, always talk about money. So like, “Oh I think I know a way to shave 10% off the cost of the project I’m on. That’s good right?” and kinda smile and move on to signal your own inferiority while simultaneously deferring to the executive’s inherent superiority as far as the org chart is concerned.

Moving on is key. DO NOT WAIT AROUND. They’ll key in on the money saving thing, which comes in handy later.

Or if a marketing person asks you something, tell them you’re “Talking to sales and customer success for some information on our ICP, because we need more detail for [insert name of some senior manager]’s initiative.”

(A.) They’ll love it.

(B.) They will absolutely in no uncertain terms NOT want anything to do with another “initiative.”

3:30 – 5:00

Respond to emails and Slack utilizing the mansplaining technique described above. Responding to emails and Slack signals that you’re engaged/doing something, even if it’s not helpful in any way. Note: WE KNOW YOU WANT TO, BUT ABSOLUTELY DO NOT LEAVE AT 5:00!

NO!

5:00 p.m. – 5:25 p.m.

This will be the hardest part of your day. Your instincts will be screaming at you to pack up and leave. So much wasted time. Such an awful commute. Such gassy interns.

But you must not. The 5:00 p.m. – 5:25 p.m. timespan was documented by the Mayo Clinic as the most psychologically impactful time to be seen at work by senior managers, directors, vice presidents, and janitors. When seeing an underling busing themselves post 5:00 p.m., they receive 250 gallons-per-minute of the hormone and neurotransmitter Oxytocin: which supports social bonding, trust (the fools), and attachment; while enhancing empathy and warmth.

Which is code for, …”awwwwwww, Rod? No, we can’t layoff that beautiful personnnnnn…”

At least subconsciously. When the time comes.

Advocate for yourself: be Rod.

5:26 p.m.

Feign urgent phone call from wife/husband/spouse/partner/lover/pet sitter/neighbor/relative and quickly…but in a smooth criminal, efficient kind of way, pack up belongings and get the hell out of there.

DO NOT MAKE EYE CONTACT WITH ANYONE.

GO!

7:00 p.m.

Arrive home.

Congratulations: you’ve made Raul proud and free from ankle-monitoring by completing Tip #1 of:

Return To Office

Despite The Fact It Makes No Sense And There’s No Real Strategy Behind It Aside From Domination

Survival Tip Series

A Step-By-Step Guide To Your Impending Survival

You may now microwave your favorite Trader Joe’s frozen meal selection and watch the sporting event or Netflix series of your choice.

Although we suggest a nightcap of fresh vegetables or fruit, just for the vitamins and stuff.

End Scene

Trust us. It seems like a lot, but this United States Corporate Employee Public Service Announcement was born from our wildly successful Internal Development Programs Internal Development Division, the second-most profitable part of our company after merchandizing.

It’s a skunkworks of sorts where we offer ongoing training modules (to anyone with cash) on real world problem solving for employees—a.k.a. pragmatic solutioning to organizational challenges none of us are taught in school—focusing on the theater/performing arts component of work life, particularly when it involves being in-office.

Because while what we do may not define who we are, we still must do, and that requires a little showmanship, a gimmick, to work around the parts we can’t control.

So we might as well retain a bit of that agency we’re encouraged to forget, even if only for a fleeting moment.

After all, the alternative doesn’t seem that appealing.

And who knows? If we all do it together, maybe it’ll catch on.

Do you like cauliflower? Gross! It’s so gross it’s crazy! And don’t come at us about “well-seasoned cauliflower steaks on the grill” this and “Oh this chef I know makes great cauliflower pizza crust” that…come on it should be banned!

Fine, whether you like cauliflower or not, share this story with someone with similar tastes. They’ll love you for it and possibly take you out to dinner.

As in, in advance, before he applied to the job.

Gah.

What the heck do you think this is mannnnnn? Do you know how hard it is to write a job description when no one knows what the heck is going on, ever?

Besides, we’ve noticed that everyone’s cramming eight million requirements/qualifications in their Oh-So-Thoughtfully-Written-Well-In-Advance job listings. Basically taking five different disciplines and cramming them into bizarrely hybrid specialist/generalist roles. Which is precisely why we stopped writing job descriptions ahead of time: why freak somebody out? Granted organizations are only doing this because they’re trying to figure out the future of work as they face mounting pressures that may or may not be real, but still, it’s agitating for the reader.

Indeed, our more thoughtful strategy is to simply let our junior staffers (the only normal people around here) woo these candidates, almost seduce them, by revealing how super cool we are. Well, they are, the junior people—they’re the ones that make this company cool. All the senior people around here are definitely not cool. How could they be? All they talk about is their kids and the weather and local news and traffic and return on investment and stuff.

Speaking of which, when it comes to senior people talking money stuff the name dropping is just insufferable: “[venture capital company name] ” this and “series B funding” that and “richy richy richy liquidity event blah blah.”

BOOOORRRRING. Is the game on? What’s the score?

Anyway, we finally got around to creating the job description for this new guy, Gerhart. Which of course led to a new policy/mandatory training program entitled:

Everyone Please Rewrite Your Job Description By Next Friday October 3rd 2025

Without Using Fake Business-y Sounding Words But Rather Really Describe What You Do

And Use The First Person Plural Because We’re All In This Together

Even Though We Get Paid Different Amounts

Which Might Be Unfair But We’ll Talk About That Later

Please Don’t Unionize

Or Sue

And a pretty sweet job description if we do say so ourselves….

Official Job Description: Do Not Throw In Trash Can

In Fact Make A Copy For Your Home’s Dedicated Filing Cabinet Room

Gerhart Pamplone

Official Senior Marketing Person

Don’t Kill The Magic LLC, XVII

A subsidiary of Lightning Strikes Investments and Casinos®, all rights reserved.

We currently help beloved tech brands convince millions of people to upgrade devices and/or software subscriptions they just bought last week. It’s brain influencing—which sounds sinister, but we promise it’s mostly just us staring into Figma while Googling “how to sound confident in emails and on the rare occasion when we’re invited to give a talk.”

As an Official Senior Marketing Person with an AI added to all that we do because there’s no way around AI at this point, we get to build campaigns that make people cry, cheer, or at the very least, open their wallets in a gentle, manipulated daze.

Before this, we climbed the marketing ladder the old-fashioned way: by attaching ourselves to smart people and saying things like “let’s circle back on that” with just enough fake enthusiasm to survive another Zoom call.

Over the years, we’ve led strategy for multi-million-dollar product launches, brand repositioning efforts, and more meetings than humans should endure without the expectation that they will vent their frustration through petty vandalism of local food truck pods.

Our superpower? Turning vague executive ideas into full-blown campaigns using nothing but caffeine, consternation, and an unhealthy number of sticky notes.

Outside of work, we routinely pick up our dogs’ poop with disconcertingly thin dog poop bags, aggressively correct friends when they say “less” instead of “fewer,” and pretend to like wine in certain company, especially if they’re from venture capital firms.

If you’re into talking shop, making something cool, or debating whether LEARN MORE buttons on websites will ultimately rise up and destroy us all, let’s connect. We promise not to send you a weird sales pitch or inspirational quote…unless the pitch or quote are like really good, we mean in that case you should have it, you know? You deserve nice things.

<End Scene>

Thus the template for all employee job descriptions was born, and man, are our intrepid employees having fun with it. Turns out it’s enlightening to describe what you really do versus what you’re either supposed to be doing or what everyone thinks you’re doing. AND, for the executive types, this provides clarity on what they, as leaders, are doing wrong, which is the sure-fire way to prevent layoffs, because layoffs only happen when management screws up. Or of course if someone turns out to be a horrible person but that’s FIRING not laying off. And man do we enjoy firing the horrible ones, no patience for that nonsense, no way.

The best part is Laura Fredelstein, our Official Senior Accounting Person, asked for a phase two of this job description nonsense ah we mean bonding exercise, where every employee writes the job description they’d love to have.

Now THAT is genius, because it turns out putting genuine effort into understanding your people – not just their “deliverables” but their actual human experience of work – creates the kind of confidence that keeps teams steady when everything else is chaos.

We figure this will be particularly handy as we plow through a time where the world seems to be telling us not to be calm. But why wouldn’t we be calm? It produces more value than it costs. And nobody ever wished they’d panicked more…so why should we?Do you have a burning desire to increase your societal standing in general? Of course you do! You have three options: get a better car, wear a better hat, or forward this to a mortal enemy. Let’s face it, we both know what best choice is, so what are you waiting for?

Which makes her quite grumpy as she feels management consultant-types are pure dooshes.

Oh wait, she says it’s not the consultants doing the work she abhors, it’s the senior managers/directors/leadership of companies like Accenture, who she deems “greedy, predatory, aloof, obnoxious, and smug.”

Which of course we love both hearing and piling on to, because there’s nothing as satisfying as judging people we’ve never met from afar, especially if they’re from New York and rich.

The Best Bathroom Ever

We surprised Paul last Tuesday when we walked into our secret Executive Retreat Meeting Room, Stay Out, MBAs Only, You Suck. This is an antechamber conveniently located next to the Executive Washroom, Advanced Degrees And G-Wagon Ownership Required, If That’s Not You Go Away You Can’t Pee Here, and it’s where we hide out to smoke cigarettes and tell bawdy stories of past triumphs, none of which are sexual because that would be creepy, weird, and lame.

You should see the air filtration system we put in this secret hideaway: no matter how many packs we smoke, it smells exclusively of bougainvillea, which we paid extra for.

So there we were, piling in, each of us holding a different flavor of American Spirit as signified by the delightfully joyful color variations of American Spirit hard packs in our hands, and much to our surprise and consternation there was Paul, scribbling away on our whiteboard which we only put in there for show. Even worse, Paul’s scribbles looked decidedly like something only someone smart would draw: kind of a combination Gannt chart/Pythagorean Theorem/sine wave type situation that instantly gave us both headaches and that particular kind of nausea that develops when being shown up in real time by someone who is clearly more talented, qualified, and capable.

It was all just too much to handle given our aforementioned plan to take a load off and screw around in general, as we always do between the hours of 11 a.m.-noon because work is hard and people are so serious all the time it just gets to be a drag.

But we were trapped, and thus Paul got us right in his crosshairs and started babbling about the importance of understanding feedback loops.

Thanks For The Feedback

Paul’s spontaneous, clearly unwanted dissertation involved lots of animated hand gesturing, sweating, and tap-tap-tapping on the white board with a black dry erase pen which was incredibly irritating, particularly because we all wanted to smoke.

Yet he brought up some interesting points about feedback loops, and how paying attention to them is a superpower that most of us don’t have because we don’t pay attention much of anything that doesn’t involve solely ourselves, or possibly the local celebrity chef’s global twist on classic comfort foods.

In fact, we found Paul’s points so impactful that we created yet another in-office-only, inspirational workday poster proudly displayed on every vertical surface that would accommodate its absurd size, which is approximately 18 feet x 17.5 inches:

Beloved Employee Feedback Loop Field Guide: Pay Attention, And You Get A Prize*

• The Universe Has Two Ways to Tell You You’re Screwing Up: Negative feedback loops (your thermostat, your mother) keep you alive through constant nagging. Positive feedback loops either make you rich or destroy everything—no middle ground.

• All the Fun Stuff Gives Instant Feedback: Likes, purchases, sugar rushes, getting into Twitter fights. Your brain thinks these matter because the dopamine hits immediately. Think about that next time you judge a junkie.

• All the Important Stuff Takes Forever: Savings accounts, exercise, team morale, climate change. By the time you get feedback, your car’s repossessed, your pants don’t fit, half your staff has quit, and a polar bear has eaten everything in your freezer.

• Modern Life Is Rigged Backwards: We’ve accidentally designed a world where bad decisions feel immediately rewarding and good decisions feel like punishment until much later. Well, maybe we’re accidentally partaking in this world that was clearly purposefully engineered to always make us reactionary mouth-breathing imbeciles.

• The Strategic Move: Build systems where smart choices compound faster than dumb ones can kill you. Make the good stuff addictive and the destructive stuff boring. Start by putting the destructive stuff down.

• Why This Matters Here: Everything we’re building should create positive loops that reward long-term thinking instead of quarterly panic attacks. NO MORE QUARTERLY PANIC ATTACKS WE’RE ALL SICK OF IT.

HEY EMPLOYEE: The trick isn’t fighting our nature—it’s designing systems that make the right choice the easy choice. Now get on with it.

There Is No Mary Poppins

The weirdest thing is, three days after we plastered all available vertical office surfaces with this latest installment of our perpetual behavioral science-inspired organizational psychology employee motivational corporate communication/instructional promotion, Paul stopped showing up. Then Laura Kracklestein realized his net-60 invoices totaling $102,000 based on his billing rate of $850/hour (he was supposedly a “Senior Consultant-Accenture”) lacked a direct link to the Accenture Billing and Payments Engine.

And worst of all, our various multi-colored packs of American Spirits were replaced with friggin’ Nicorette lozenges AND prescriptions for Varenicline (brand name Chantix) from some doctor in Toronto.

Despite the obvious correlation to Mary Poppins and the widespread (and highly distracting-from-work gossip) amongst all our teams that Paul was some kind of ethereal spirit guide, we on the Executive Team decided he was merely one of those overzealous weirdos who gets off on simply helping people, and is probably out on parole from some lux federal prison, probably for financial crimes.

Although, we must admit, it’s been kind of nice to disrupt our collective nicotine feedback loops, and it kinda proves you can redesign entire systems to work for you, instead of against you, if only you’d pay attention.

Now excuse us while we go chew some lozenges.

The Hard Return.

Slack, Discord, iMessage, that creepy IBM Watson AI one…all of it, rife with Hard Returns.

Okay, after conferring with Valentina, who heads up our ever-active “Crisis Communications” strike force and apparently studies the impact of technology on our lives as a side hustle, it turns out that the problem is less about the Hard Return and more about the chat’s human engineered interface that forever encourages the proliferation of the Hard Return.

But first, to be clear, let’s define the Hard Return.

What A Hard Return Looks Like

It looks like this:

That’s right, literally thousands of sober German data scientists in Luzerberzerstien Daseschberg confirmed that the code that represents a Hard Return, when run through Don’t Kill The Magic’s proprietary Turn Code Into Animals software that we sell exclusively to scientists in northwest Germany, comes out as a blood sucking death eel worm in dirty water.

What A Hard Return Actually Is

Striking the “Enter” or “Return” key whilst typing to create a new line, breaking up what should be a continuous sentence or paragraph (a.k.a. “thought”) into choppy, fragmented pieces…not unlike the process a butcher uses to transform chuck roast into stew meat, although eventually stew meat is coalesced into a single, identifiable menu item, whereas the results of a hard return simply lead to a chaotic potpourri of frustration, confusion, anxiety, and panic.

 What A Hard Return Looks Like On Any Chat Or Messaging Platform Including On Your Phone

Sarah Chen – Marketing Director Today at 2:47 PM

Hey team

So I was thinking about the Q3 campaign and I think we need to pivot our messaging strategy

Because the current approach isn’t really resonating with our target demographic

Based on the latest market research data that came in yesterday

From the analytics team

What do you all think?

Should we schedule a brainstorming session

For early next week?

Let me know your availability

Thanks!

What That Sounds Like To The Recipients

Ping

Ping

Ping

Ping

Ping

Ping

Ping

Ping

Ping

Ping

But it can get worse….

What A Worse Hard Return Looks Like On Any Chat Or Messaging Platform Including On Your Phone

Brad Douche – VP of Strategic Initiatives Today at 3:23 PM

Team

I wanted to circle back on our omnichannel customer journey optimization initiative

We need to deep dive into our core value propositions and really drill down on our low-hanging fruit

to maximize our ROI

and drive synergistic solutions

That will move the needle

On our KPIs

Let’s leverage our best practices and think outside the box

To ideate some game-changing

paradigm shifts that align with our

North star metrics

Can we touch base offline to socialize this vision

And get buy-in from all stakeholders?

Let’s make sure

We’re all on the same page moving forward

Thanks for your bandwidth

 What That Sounds Like To The Poor Bastard Recipients

Ping ping ping ping ping ping ping ping ping ping ping ping ping ping ping ping ping

The bottom line is typing your message all spasmodically while you’re sweating and adrenalized and expecting that it will be clear, understood, helpful, or even read is the equivalent of shouting into your phone on speaker during the halftime show of the Super Bowl, particularly when the artist is say Beyoncé or Travis Scott, and expecting to be heard.

 What A Person Who Is Hard Returning Is Feeling While They Are Hard Returning

That’s right. They’re tantrum-ing, freaking out, stressed out, drinking buckets of cortisol, auguring in, imploding, exploding, or whatever other word that describes “losing it.” Because their poor little brains think there’s ABSOLUTLEY NO TIME TO GET THE WORLD’S MOST IMPORTANT MESSAGE ABOUT A TASK OR SPONTANEOUS MEETING OR RECURRING MEETING OR GROCERIES OR THE BAHN MI THEY JUST ATE OUT THERE AS ONE COMPLETE THOUGHT SO IT’S OKAY FINGERS JUST GO FOR IT SMATTER SOME STUFF ON THAT KEYBOARD I’LL CATCH UP LATER AFTER I DIE.

Which our aforementioned reclusive German scientist/customers trace to the oxygen-less state of the brain given the mounting fear people experience as they frenetically try and do 20 things at once (the primary cause of the Hard Return) causes any dedicated multitasker to hold their breath—as in, literally not breathe.

Granted they’re unaware they are not breathing, but still, they’re holding their breath. Literally, sometimes for an entire workweek. Or career. It’s super unhealthy.

What A Person Who Is Getting Hard Returned Is Feeling While They Are Getting Hard Returned

That’s right. The outcome of reading and responding to a chaotic potpourri of frustration, confusion, anxiety, and panic is exhaustion, surrender, apathy, and ultimately only semi-discreet web searches for “how to become a successful drug trafficker” followed closely by “cheap, single-engine Cessna flight training” because frankly, it just doesn’t matter anymore.

The Real Culprit: Chat Is Basically a Psychological Weapon

According to Valentina’s extensive research (which she conducts between crisis communications emergencies, 100% of which involve our dino robots), the Hard Return isn’t actually the villain.

The real villain is the chat interface itself, which was apparently designed by Nazis who deeply understood human psychology and decided to weaponize it against us.

With each Hard Return, we get little dopamine hits. Our brains think we accomplished something. Meanwhile, the interface, what with its dead eyes and preference for sucking our life force given that’s the only way the interface can continue to exist, is sitting there like our former Health & Wellness Director’s crack dealer, offering just a bit more dopamine for just a bit more of our attention.

Plus, these apps train us to think in fragments by making every single line break feel like a complete thought. The little typing indicators, the immediate delivery confirmations, the way messages stack up like digital Jenga blocks—it’s all engineered to make us think we’re having a conversation when really we’re just machine-gunning our consciousness all over everyone else’s screen.

It’s like if someone designed a pen that made us feel accomplished every time we lifted it off the paper, so instead of writing complete sentences, we’d just dot dot dot and draw phallic symbols as a way through life, thinking we’re were being productive while actually creating an incomprehensible mess that would make a Jackson Pollock painting look like a technical manual.

The interface has basically turned us all into digital toddlers having emotional outbursts in text form, one fragmented thought at a time.

But There’s Good News

Actually that’s not true: there is no good news. You can go home now.

Wait!

We have this new Director of Strength Training from Romania, Mihaela Petrescu. We hired her because we literally want to beat up this one start-up company that looks like they will be a threat to our market share.

Anyway, she just said she got into another fight with our obnoxious interns (that’s what you get for hiring college kids from the Bay Area) over how they overshare their personal info on social media, and they caught wind of this Hard Return ailment affecting our team morale, and they said they’ll lead our latest Continuing Education For Management & Leadership Ultimate Paradigm Program class, and they call it:

Why. Not. Us.

If air traffic controllers, pilots, firefighters, Navy SEALs, and all those other service disciplines can train their people to be calm on the radio—which they do because they know, scientifically, that calm breeds calm—why can’t we train our labor costs…ah, we mean, our beloved team members…to be calm in the first place, and thereby resist the cunningly over-engineered temptation to do the chat tool’s dopamine generating bidding?

We’re all for it. We’re even making NO HARD RETURNS t-shirts, coffee mugs, dog vests, soup ladles, and water coolers, and distributing to staff for free*.

(*A small service charge will automatically deduct $5.72 per pay period per employee for ten years, but hey, somebody’s got to keep the lights on.)

And of course we’ll turn this into a NO HARD RETURNS business-to-business e-commerce webstore so other struggling organizations can benefit from our storied work. Plus we’ll use that revenue to help pay for our former Health & Wellness Director’s mounting legal fees—they’re really piling up.

Hey, today just got way better for a bunch of people!

Want to know what to do next? Who doesn’t? Maybe read one of Oprah’s books, we heard she’s real good and determining the next best move. Once you’re bored of that go ahead and share this article with your most despised Hard Returner: maybe they’ll get the message, maybe not, but what else can you do, you know?

Doesn’t matter if we cajole, encourage, flatter, bribe, threaten, trick…none of it works. We even tried the powerful guilt trip/gaslighting combo we learned from our parents:

“…and those poor applicants stuck in the throes of our hiring process must be SO sad…did that ever happen to you…?”

Nothing. Even if it’s in their JOB DESCRIPTION, nothing.

This situation was really bugging Theodore, our lone HR human person, so he decided of his own volition to conduct a non-double-blind, completely anecdotal survey of department heads to find out why, despite the fact he’s still pissed we replaced our three other HR human people with hallucinating AI subscriptions that are only effective at generating coloring books and (heaven help us) endless reams of pitch decks for a tractor sales company in Coffeyville, Kansas.

Here are the Top 8 Key Reasons Why People Don’t Like Conducting Interviews, according to Theodore’s study, which he named “White Lightening: Why Nobody Will Help Me Around Here And I’m Quitting, Volume III.”

1. The Terror of Being Exposed as a Fraud Themselves Most of our department heads are secretly convinced they stumbled into their roles through a series of fortunate accidents and administrative errors. The prospect of sitting across from someone who might actually know what they’re doing triggers an existential crisis that manifests as sudden calendar conflicts.

2. Interview Questions Are Basically Workplace Horoscopes “Tell me about a time you overcame a challenge” is about as useful as asking someone’s astrological compatibility with Excel spreadsheets. Everyone knows this, but admitting it would require acknowledging that most of our hiring process is elaborate theater.

3. The Paralyzing Fear of Liking Someone Too Much Nothing strikes terror into a manager’s heart quite like meeting a candidate who’s genuinely impressive, because then they’ll have to explain to their boss why this person should be paid more said manager, and likely said boss.

4. Interviews Reveal How Little We Actually Know About Our Own Jobs When someone asks “What does success look like in this role?” and you realize you’ve been winging it for three years while hoping nobody notices, the natural response is to suddenly develop an urgent need to reorganize your desk drawer alphabetically.

5. The Uncomfortable Reality That We’re All Just Making It Up Conducting interviews forces people to articulate what they do all day, which is surprisingly difficult when 60% of your job involves attending meetings about meetings and the other 40% is sending emails that no one will read because they’re not urgent Slack messages.

6. Interview Feedback Forms Are Where Honesty Goes to Die Nobody wants to write “seemed competent but I got weird vibes” in an official document that HR will scrutinize, so instead we end up with meaningless phrases like “cultural fit concerns” which is code for “they asked too many good questions.”

7. The Genetic Inability to Admit When Someone Is Overqualified Telling a brilliant candidate they’re too good for the role is like admitting your department runs on duct tape and hope, which, while accurate, feels unnecessarily vulnerable.

8. Interviews Force You to Pretend Your Company Culture Is Intentional When candidates ask about work-life balance and growth opportunities, you have to act like “organized chaos with occasional pizza parties” was a deliberate strategic choice rather than what happens when nobody’s really in charge.

Theodore noted in his methodology that responses were collected via anonymous survey, though everyone wrote their complaints in their distinctly recognizable handwriting and several people forgot to remove their name from the document properties, 100% of whom had just been promoted to our Data Security Division, so we’re likely totally hosed.

Oh well, it’s better than the air conditioning going out again. It gets real musty in here, real fast, come July. In the meantime, we’re going to develop some organizational pyschology-based approaches to remeding the above afflictions: our people deserve to feel better, and besides, how can we expect to get anywhere when, deep down, we think we’re not up to the job?

Don’t answer that.

“Former US Treasury secretary Larry Summers projects that the loss to the US economy because of tariffs would be comparable to oil prices doubling.”

Well, she was pissed both at the fact it’s a coloring book bearing strong resemblance to what one would find in the glove box of grandpa’s 1972 Buick Skylark…and that we called it a “manual.”

Apparently it should be called a “handbook” as dictated by modern Human Resources Thought Leadership Innovations. + Panama.

But to Panama we’re all like, “Look, these things are instruction manuals at best, not some kind of metaphysical guide. Plus employees just skip right to the benefits section, specifically PTO. Then they forget the policy when they need it, curse and go look it up, or worse, they email YOU about it. So we saved everyone a lot of pain by removing all the meaningless stuff. Besides, coloring is fun, it relaxes people.”

But Panama missed most of that because she stormed off muttering something about being a bank teller again.

We’re quite proud of 1972 Buick Skylark GS Sportwagon Owner’s Manual For The Productivity-Obsessed Employee, particularly the meaningless sections we cut out, which are as follows:

Welcome!

• Mission – Page 1
• Vision – Page 2
• Values – Page 3
• Settling In – Page 4

Working Here

• Work Arrangements – Page 5
• Personnel Files & Data Changes – Page 6
• Verifications & References – Page 7
• Performance Management – Page 8
• Salary & Wage Review – Page 9
• Separation – Page 10
• Hours of Work – Page 11
• Attendance & Communication – Page 12
• Rest & Meal Period – Page 13
• Work Conduct – Page 14

…..and on and on this claptrap used to go, all the way through State Addendums 1-14, which mercifully concluded on page 77.

That’s right, we kept the only thing employees care about: benefits. Specifically and as listed in our table of contents…

• PTO
• Holidays
• Parental Leave
• Health Insurance
• Flexible Spending Accounts
• 401K,
• Life Insurance + Disability

…so the whole thing is seven pages long.

And it’s not so much a coloring book (although we invite the employees to color the Buick Skylark parked outside the LA Coliseum on the cover as well as the Buick Skylarks stuck in a traffic jam on the Michigan Street Bridge on the back) as much as we wrote it in crayon.

Which must be the real reason Panama is mad at us, as it presents as slightly unprofessional.

Speaking of which, to accommodate the big fat font one generates from writing in crayon, this manual is published in the traditional “atlas” paper/book format — 26 x 34 inches with padded faux leather covers ala the Time Life Books The Old West Series, perfect for our employees to display on their coffee tables at home, although we’re starting to think they don’t do that, despite their encouraging nods when we make the suggestion.

Yet we’ve found this manual does a lot of fire prevention for us. Its mere existence is the subject of social media lore, so for the most part no one gets a job offer without already knowing they’re going to get this thing on day one. That means the people who think this is a dumb idea self-select out of our process in advance, so we don’t have to incur the expense of interviewing, hiring, training, then firing them later because they suck.

Frankly we can’t believe other businesses don’t do this.

As for the people who self-select in thanks to this lovely manual, we find they tend to be on the adaptable / resilient / collaborative / empathetic / authentic / good listeners / diligent / critical thinking beyond compliance / perpetual learners / deliver clear and useful feedback side of things.

It’s simply grand.

PLUS we save a ton of time = money because we don’t have to dedicate an entire section of our website to completely inaccurate representations of our values, culture, mission, vision, and overall work environment.

Especially that campy bit to demonstrate how “fun” workplace is through photos of staff half-heartedly smiling at the camera while giving flaccid thumbs ups during company mandated on-site social gatherings, typically featuring turkey wraps with romaine lettuce and sun-dried tomato tortillas sitting in plastic clamshell containers the office admin bought at Costco the day before.

Or those employee quotes. Oh man…the poor bastards. Imagine the corporate communications person sending you your pre-written quote and it has the words “joy” and “adventure” used to describe what it’s like to come to work. Or simply writing your own quote, then waiting for it to be “approved.”

Besides, we’ve always wondered the seemingly important topics of values, culture, mission, vison, and work environment, are always sequestered to the back of the company website, typically in the “Careers” or “About Us” sections. It’s as if no one wants them found, yet an irresistible urge or possibly legal reasons exist for them to be documented.

It’s baffling.

If you want to recruit cool people, just make something cool instead, and let other people talk about it. That’s essentially the way businesses grow.

Although patience for growth is a key requirement so maybe that explains everything. Including Panama’s continued tenure here. That woman is a saint.

CNN told us our newsletter boosts metabolism, increases alertness, speeds up muscle recovery, and eases stress, so share it with the coworker who needs all that the most. You know who we’r talkin’ about…

There’s nothing worse than having some consultant skulk around your office. They always wear overly formal clothes, and it seems like their go-to move is to ask an executive a question that requires a focused attention purely for the opportunity to scan the room for malfeasance or ineptitude by some unwary employee during the answer.

And we’re totally paranoid someone will witness our various teams’ malfeasance and ineptitude. Especially the chemical engineers. It’s like they’re from the same frat or at a high school party with no adults around.

Besides, we don’t even know what “optimize” actually means. Which is why it’s on our official company scroll of banned words that lives in our break room on a marble pedestal (complete with a scroll holder we got on Etsy). This lovely, ancient document holds all those evil words that people nod along to, but if pressed, can’t define, or prevent from being ironic.

The document reads as follows, and is handwritten in the lovely English Roundhand calligraphic style of our founding fathers, thanks to the guy who runs the mini mart across the street who is totally randomly good at that kind of thing. We’re publishing it as a public service…no wait…Panama says we’re publishing it to fulfill our court-ordered community service for that time we parked a competing CEO’s Big Dumb SUV in front of a fire hydrant so it would get towed. It never did, but obviously we had to slim Jim some locks and crack a steering column to move it, which this municipality apparently frowns upon. 

Scroll Of Doom: Commit These Words To Papyrus/The Air and/or Electronic Documentation And Ye Shall Be Removed From The Bonus Pool

Plus, we explain why! 

Synergy – Originally meant complementary parts working together, now often used to justify mergers or collaborations that make no sense whatsoever, or have no stated goal

Disruptive – Once described genuinely revolutionary business models, now applied to any series of impotent feature releases framed as “improvements”

Paradigm shift – Originally meant fundamental changes in thinking, now used for any change in approach, including vegan options in the cafeteria

Leverage – Transformed from a specific financial term to a fancy way of saying “use,” e.g. “I need to leverage the handle on the toilet to flush this offal masquerading as a business plan down the toilet”

Optimize – Originally meant to make something as effective or functional as possible by finding the mathematically optimal solution to a specific problem, this slur evolved into a vague term used to suggest improvement with absolutely no objective evidence that the improvement exists Bonus: “mathematically optimal solution” means making tradeoffs, which is what all professionals who live in reality are forced to do. More’s the pity. 

Circle back – Corporate-speak for “let’s discuss this later” without any intention to do so but rather an intention to permanently erase “this” from all minds in the room

Low-hanging fruit – Easy wins that are often neither easy nor particularly valuable and in fact generate massive lawsuits from the people we stole the idea from…not borrowed, stole…we can’t do that peopleEcosystem – Extended from natural systems to any loosely connected group of services or products…thus, this office is an ecosystem…the dinette is an ecosystem…the industrial art in the foyer is an ecosystem…our therapist is an ecosystem that we now need to call constantly thank you very much

Thought leadership – Originally meant innovative thinking, now just refers to marketing content distributed anytime, anywhere, by anyone

Best practices – Suggests final universal solutions that don’t exist so why is this even a thing gah when we know that infinite context-specific approaches are the only way to solve problems

Alignment – Managerial assurance of both their leadership prowess and agreement across all the teams and departments they manage without specific detail other than a bunch of problems that show there’s no alignment

Deep dive – “Looking at something for more than five minutes”

Scalable – Used to describe anything that theoretically could grow, regardless of realistic potential, of which there’s definitely zero

Touch base – Non-committal way to suggest communication would be beneficial at some point in the next 1,000 years but still without defining purpose

Value-add – Anything that supposedly brings value, often without measurable benefit, particularly for customers/clients/users/people who pay us money, which is, of course, valuable…at least to us up here paying the light bill

Actionable insights – Definitely not actionable, typically providing the same insight as one gains from staring at a small rock on the front lawn

Moving the needle – Suggesting significant impact when minimal change occurs…think disappointingly motionless needle on a metal detector 

End-to-end solution – Comprehensive offering that frequently has gaps or requires additional service…not to mention this implies that customers/clients et al. would be satisfied with an end-to-middle, end-to-three-quarters, or some other partial solution

We highly recommend you copy this list and hang it from every light fixture in your office, or if remote, email it to your staff five times a day forever. 

Have fun removing people from the bonus pool. The good news is, once they break the habit, your culture will revolve around being generally inspired, creative, courageous human beings rather than soulless automatons, and you can let them back in.

Want more help understanding organizational psychology and leadership principles to boost revenue? Call McKinsey, they’ll set you up with some skewed survey and nine month consultancy that will only set you back a cool $20 million.

Or, if you just want to make work life better for your teams, start by learning everyone’s name. You really can’t go wrong with that. Oh! And then tell them you’ll fire them if they don’t share this story with their friends. That works well too, we hear.

NO FISH IN MICROWAVE

LAST TO LEAVE TAKES OUT ALL GARBAGES

NEVER, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES, BRING A CLIENT INTO THIS OFFICE ARE YOU INSANE?

Alas, despite ever-increasing font sizes and the exclusive use of red ink, these fools inevitably bring by some highfalutin customer/client/businessperson who subsequently freaks out, cancels our contract, and calls the local SWAT team. It’s so incredibly annoying, mostly because it reveals a total lack of alignment across our teams due to incredibly inept leadership, which we quite naturally blame on our approximately 33 unpaid interns.

Here’s how it works. Aspiring salesperson walks in after a few highballs with [insert client’s name] and salesperson is carrying on about our tech and innovation and young-yet-sophisticated/no-dumbasses-here vibe, then they round the corner by Michelle’s desk and bam, there it is, a life-sized cutout of Jermaine Dupri next to an open gun safe filled with gas masks and Austrian automatic rifles.

Which, understandably, is weird. But the guns aren’t loaded and Michelle is actually related to Jermaine Dupri and gun safes are REALLY heavy, like super heavy, even when they’re empty, so getting it out of the office is no small feat when we’ve got deals to close and faxes to send and all the other stuff that makes people really busy.

Besides, we pride ourselves on self-expression around here. Life’s rich pageant and all that. Diverse perspectives and backgrounds making us more effective because it turns out the world isn’t one color/religion/belief system/dietary preference etc. etc. so the more diversity you bring to the equation the better the odds for your collective success.

So on and so forth.

Meaning, self-expression is one of many cultural elements that make us successful. Which is not to say our office is a free-for-all. In fact, it’s far from it, as evidenced by our various, beloved, strategic, and very mandatory thought leadership/animal bathing training programs you know and love and can’t stop thinking about, including:

Train Your Brain To Not Do Stupid Stuff

Spiritual Combat

Don’t Kill The Magic

Let’s Start Here

How To Aim An Austrian Automatic Rifle At Throngs Of Steadily Advancing Troubled Racists

Wombat Bathing For People Who Don’t Like Animal Hair

Rat Patrol/How To Keep The Front Door Closed

What To Do And Not Do With Clients

Granted, these programs, which we paid McKinsey roughly $20 million to develop, experience varying levels of success. But still, the point is that you can’t expect to achieve remarkable results from a diverse group of people without offering them something to hold on tight to when things go south. And things always go south. Always.

There’s this myth out there that some organizations thrive purely due to an impossible, illogical amount of luck that both doesn’t exist and, if it did, would be purely unattainable. OR, an organization thrives because The Leadership descends from a genetic combination of Alexander The Great, Catherine Hepburn, and Eleanor Roosevelt.

But neither are true: organizations thrive because when they break, they come back together. And that comes from “alignment,” a.k.a. voluntary enrollment, a.k.a. “I see how this place is, and I want to be a part of that.” And one of the best ways to ensure that people come back together when times are tough is to create the conditions for self-expression—free from reprisal—while making the mission, vision, and values of the collective whole clear.

It’s not that hard when you think about it. If you need us, we need you. And by the way, the real you, not some character you feel forced to adopt when you walk through the front door.

So yes, overall, we have it pretty good around here.

That being said, we’ve still got to figure out our clients-in-the-office problem. We’ve maxed out our font size at 172…anything beyond that would require us moving to a stadium or corporate industrial complex, so we’re all out of ideas.

Let us know if you think of anything good.

Need help? We have tons of interns standing by massive phone banks ala 1986 telethons. Call 1.888.4.PLNT.ROCK and an operator will be standing by doing God knows what.