“Are you smoking?”

 “No.”

 “Your Google search says are cigarette butts compostable.”

 “Jerimiah did that.”

“He’s 10.”

“He goes to private school. All private school kids smoke.”

“Since when? It’s not 1978.”

“He’s got big problems. I think he smokes. I saw him looking at a Rolling Stone at Max’s house.”

“Your shirt smells like smoke.”

“I ate some smoked almonds in it.”

“Why don’t I just buy you some Nicorette.”

“It’s pretty expensive. I guess it would prevent me from starting smoking.”

“So would getting a job. You’ve got too much time on your hands. Have you still not told anyone you’ve available?”

“It seems so intrusive.”

“You have to let people know so you can get a job. It’s how it works.”

“What about Jerimiah’s smoking?”

“Does your LinkedIn profile still say you worked for the White House?”

“I think it’s vague enough to be plausible.”

“People check that stuff, you have to take it off. It’s not funny.”

“I can’t not smoke and also not lie. It doesn’t work that way, it’s too much pressure.”

“How about I buy you Nicorette and let you eat whatever you want for a month. Then we’ll go on a Paleo diet or you can join a gym to work things out.”

“Fine. But I think we should also get a subscription to Rolling Stone.”