If I were a duck in a park, I’d be really aggressive, quacking extra loud and preening my feathers vigorously in hopes of getting extra bread. Because mmmmmmmmmm, bread.  

I never believed in parallelograms until I realized I lived in one and it burned down. 

If I were on a mountain top with a fish, I’d take it out of its fishbowl so it too could enjoy the beautiful vistas.

I don’t know much about practicing law, but I’d be a good lawyer because I’d throw around wild accusations until something stuck, especially if the case involved parking tickets.

Sometimes I think world leaders just need to develop a better sense of humor. Like when threatened by another crazy leader just respond with “Oh, you have nuclear bombs? Ha ha ha ha oh that’s too funny” and hang up the phone because that’s really bad. 

If I were the CEO of a huge company like Amazon or Johnson & Johnson, each I’d text the lowliest employee I could find and say “Thanks. You’re fired” followed quickly with “Sorry I meant that for someone else” so they would be motivated to work harder but also feel appreciated. 

Foreign languages should be banned, because most people don’t understand them and where does that get us?  

If I went to prison, I’d form a bond with the other inmates as their “jailhouse lawyer,” then I’d shiv them to protect myself.