When I’m on vacation I like to call different people in the office to tell them real quick I’m worried about this-or-that project but now I have to go because my Pina Colada arrived. That way they know I’m a real team player.
If your spouse ever says they want a divorce the first thing you should do is grab all the pans in the house and drive away so you can still have dinners.
Sometimes it’s best to not tell people you wish someone actually made pigeon pie.
People say social media is about vanity and bad influencers, but I remind them it’s okay because no one uses it.
When dogs lick their genitals, I take photos in case I need to blackmail them later.
With the coming of summer Tom braced for the huge influx of hot chicken soup food trucks at the beach.
Just as Aerosmith said “Walk This Way” I “Walk This Way” to buy more hand soap because my wife said we’re out.
I’ve always wanted the street cred that comes from owning a barber shop on a busy road.
“Ed,” I said. “Ed.” And walked away but not really – I was looking to steal Ed’s tuna sandwich from the fridge.
When people seem to be getting upset in the security line at the airport I just show them my Frankie Says Relax t-shirt and we all have a great time after that.
People say constrictor snakes can’t really love you so I dressed ours up like a gerbil for extra cuddle-ability.
My wife said I’m overweight, so I reminded her in Renaissance times people coveted portliness and she should be thankful.
A good first date move is to respectively go in for a kiss then stop and ask if they’ve recently had garlic so you can play hard to get.
When my son asks me an important question about life I remind him that no one ever really knows everything so to go back to playing video games.
If I was a burglar I’d wear a black and white-striped outfit with a little mask across my eyes and carry a sack like the Hamburgler because surely no one would believe I was a stealing anything. Except maybe hamburgers.
If you have a roof, and it leaks, ask your neighbor to come check it out then run to his house and lock him out. What an idiot.
The #1 animal trait I’d like as a human is buoyancy; that way I could escape traffic by just floating above all the cars in a gentle breeze.