Curmudgeon Eyes New Storefront with High Degree of Skepticism

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SEATTLE, WA – A geriatric man holding a bag of dog excrement warily eyed a new storefront in Seattle’s Ballard neighborhood 8 a.m. Thursday morning, according to several eyewitnesses. 

“Yeah, it was strange,” said Ted Lambert, who walked by the man as he paced in front of Sunny Hill, a 5-day old restaurant. “I heard him say ‘Pizza? Now I don’t know ‘bout that!’ just kind of to the air around him, quite emphatically, as he stomped back and forth, occasionally peering inside, casually waving his bag of dog poop around.”

Lambert later stated he never saw an actual dog with the perturbed senior citizen.

“I heard him say, basically right into the window, ‘Mmph…I don’t know if they’re gonna maaaaaake iiiiit,’ said Lori Anderson, a recent college graduate who rented an apartment above the restaurant. “I got the feeling he says this about every new business that opens virtually anywhere,” stated Anderson. “I’m a psych major and people do this all the time to sound authoritative, and it’s not just old people. People are frickin’ crazy.”

“Batteries, why can’t I buy batteries anywhere near here!” is what Officer Stacey McLoud witnessed the man screaming, according to recently released body cam footage. 

“Yeah, he was really worked up but not on drugs or anything, I think he was just mad in general, like my grandpa – he’s pissed and yelling all the time and he’s not dangerous,” stated McLoud. “I was originally called to support the paramedics because several people called 911 thinking this man was having a heart attack. But he was just really grumpy and agitated about this new pizza place.”

After passing an EKG and field sobriety test, the man apparently went right back to pacing before the storefront window, alternatingly pressing his face against the glass and searching up and down the block for the owner(s) impending arrival to tell them the urgent news that their new business was screwed.

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