Interviews Aren’t Real
We can’t seem to get anyone in our organization to interview prospective candidates for our slightly-mysterious-yet-non-felonious enterprise. Doesn’t matter if we cajole, encourage, flatter, bribe, threaten, trick…none of it works. We even tried the powerful guilt trip/gaslighting combo we learned from our parents: “…and those poor applicants stuck in the throes of our hiring process […]
Nobody Knows How To Protest Anymore
“Former US Treasury secretary Larry Summers projects that the loss to the US economy because of tariffs would be comparable to oil prices doubling.” Said Linda Berkshire, our Director of Revenue Operations, a role which we didn’t know we had given our weekly roundtable with Chief Revenue Officer Kristin MacLaud, whom we’re absolutely terrified of. But the […]
Bring Back The Atlas
Panama threw a fit on (of all days) Monday because she found out our employee manual is a coloring book. Well, she was pissed both at the fact it’s a coloring book bearing strong resemblance to what one would find in the glove box of grandpa’s 1972 Buick Skylark…and that we called it a “manual.” Apparently […]
Everyone Should Have A Scroll Of Doom
Unbeknownst to us, our Chief Operating Officer Yvette Roland-Smith hired an AI consultant to “optimize the performance of every team.” There’s nothing worse than having some consultant skulk around your office. They always wear overly formal clothes, and it seems like their go-to move is to ask an executive a question that requires a focused […]
Does It Go Back Together?
Every once in a while someone in this office makes the mistake of bringing by a client, despite the gigantic poster in our breakroom that reads as follows: NO FISH IN MICROWAVE LAST TO LEAVE TAKES OUT ALL GARBAGES NEVER, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES, BRING A CLIENT INTO THIS OFFICE ARE YOU INSANE? Alas, despite ever-increasing […]
Smokin’ Hot Babes Of Climate Change
We just hired the one good-not-evil advertising agency that exists in the continental United States thanks to our favorite new good-not-evil search application, perplexity.ai. Perplexity doesn’t track individual users in the traditional sense, nor do they sell ads… …hold on. Never mind. They sell native ads, it turns out. At least according to our stoic […]
Top Ten Benefits Of Climate Change
A.k.a changes in average temperature, precipitation, and weather conditions over time and over your neighborhood and possibly in your bathroom. 10. Squirrels finally defeated. 9. Attractive people forced to wear less and less clothes. 8. Amazon won’t be around by 2040 so you no longer have to feel guilty about ordering all those [choose one […]
Give Out But Don’t Give Up
Our Operations Lead, Mark Thorington, employee # 42219, proud Stanford graduate, avid cyclist (complete with ridiculously tight racing jersey and clickity-clacking cycling shoes he insists on wearing in the office despite the fact our concrete floors reverberate that awful sound to the degree it resembles a fusillade of 50-caliber bullets raining down on Nazi armor […]
Escape The Bucket
One time we went fishing for crabs, which is this slightly odd situation where one motors/rows out onto some topically vacant portion of the sea, tosses a metal basket filled with rotten food into the murky depths (hopefully with a rope or string attached…but not to your leg), then motors/rows back to the beach to […]
Spiritual Combat
The presentation was doomed to fail given our guy Peter insisted on using PowerPoint. PowerPoint is a hot mess. If you’re using PowerPoint live and in-person, you end up twisting back and forth between your audience and the projection like you’re doing some throwback ‘80s aerobic workout as you spasmodically poke your finger at your […]
Don’t Kill The Magic
Our office is really heating up. Literally, heating up, because apparently this whole place is on steam heat ala 1919, what with the Freddy Kreuger boiler room and the asbestos wrapped piping and multi-columned, ornately decorated cast iron radiators making awkward banging noises as if two Midwest teenagers were catching a drive-in movie in a […]
Less Hitler, More Funk
We required a huge investment in talent acquisition through various human resources initiatives to re-open our office after everyone either left voluntarily or got arrested, extradited, or fired. We figured that out after moving into our new digs and realizing that we were so preoccupied with buying new suits that we forgot to hire the […]
Back in a Nice Shade of Green…Maybe Chartreuse
Here comes another post that may confuse or enlighten you…or both. Hopefully both. That sounds like more fun. The Outcasting office had to close for a while due to a series of unfortunate events. We were going to summarize these events in “listicle” form, a tactic our intern Maura champions because “it breaks up long […]