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The great 2020 Halloween debate in our neighborhood revolved around how to dispense candy. We were officially the only neighborhood in the country struggling to come to terms with this dilemma. We did the research. It’s true.


Several houses occupied by Rich People chose the Pipe Delivery Method. Since you may not intellectually understand the principles behind this method, we will henceforth describe it to you in grave detail. Get it? Grave detail? Come on.


A cylinder of some form, likely constructed of heavily refined petroleum products (which you may not know come from dinosaurs), is purchased at, and only at, Home Depot, or possibly stolen from a construction site.


It’s then shoved into a small to mid-sized sedan, with most of the pipe protruding from the sunroof, and driven home while trying to avoid eye contact with other motorists who think you’re a loser for driving a small to mid-sized sedan because it’s just so lame and it exacerbates the easily winded, middle-aged father vibe you have going on.


Upon your glorious arrival home where your family undoubtedly has gathered on the front stoop to cheer and embrace you as they always do when you leave for a bit, a series of spikes or other deterrents are added to the delivery device, in an effort to discourage greedy little 4-year old’s from getting their grubby paws all over it in their frenzy to gorge themselves on the thrice-refined corn syrup-laden miniature candy bars you fell victim to purchasing because the End Cap/Point-of-Purchase displays are just so effective on you and it’s just hopeless to resist. Which is why you frequently find your house stocked with far too many batteries, eyeglass repair kits, lip balms and People magazines.


Interesting fact, thrice-refined corn syrup actually comes from cows.


(Also, according to additional research, electricity was this year’s most popular little kid deterrent. We do lots of research.)


After your tube is appropriately booby-trapped, in comes the moment of truth. Do you have enough slope to utilize the mysterious force physics professors at major universities still struggle to understand, let alone agree on what to name, to transform the potential energy found in a patiently waiting Snickers bar into the kinetic death energy of movement, thus propelling it to the designated candy retrieval zone you marked with a huge chalk “X” like in a Road Runner cartoon and furthermore covered in shards of broken glass to usher those slobbering, greedy, obese, corn-syrup addicted children along because, you know, you’re, worried about their health?


It’s likely you do, so there’s no point making a big deal out of it. We mean, look, if you went to all the trouble of obtaining a tube without thinking about whether or not your house has the proper layout for a candy slide then you have bigger problems.


It turns out the tube thing is a lot of work, so despite the fact our neighborhood looked like an oil refinery on Halloween, our house chose not to succumb to this weird Stepford peer pressure business. Besides, what are all these fools going to do with the leftover tubes? Garbage (ahem) recycling/compost/waste pickup day is tomorrow, and I bet we see thousands, thousands of those PVC tubes awkwardly propped up next to everyone’s cans not unlike the way moisture-less former Christmas trees are set out for pick-up the weeks following the holiday season, cast aside as if they never meant anything…a dagger to the heart as it not only symbolizes the end of the spiritual rewards one receives in the form of tons of presents but also serves as a teasing reminder that President’s Day is anywhere from 8 to 8.325 agonizing weeks away, and we all just have to patiently wait, eagerly anticipating the forthcoming pageantry, wine tasting and generally completely immersive, experiential activities that make it the #1 Holiday of the Year in This Country.


Right behind Halloween.

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