Share Post:

Share on facebook
Share on linkedin
Share on twitter
Share on pinterest
Share on email

My dude friend told me that when you turn 40 weird stuff starts happening to you. I’m 47 now. 37!!! I’m 37! Think of me as 37. It’s fine.

Okay it’s TRUE! Within a few months of turning 40 my ankle spontaneously gave out, my fence needed painting and we had a balance on a Prime +10 credit card. Prime +10!!

Of course, as an incredibly wealthy former NFL linebacker with no concussion syndrome, what can I expect? I mean, as far as the ankle goes…and lavish lifestyle resulting in a credit card balance.

The part my friend didn’t mention was when you turn 40 suddenly your sleep decides to turn into awake. As in, it gets things backwards.

Last night I woke up at 2:00 a.m. and just sat there. Lay there. Laid there?

At first I thought it was directly related to my diamond-studded pillow. It’s real pokey, and filled with cash and old autographed NFL headshots, which occasionally fall out and make tons of rustling noises.

But this time it wasn’t the pillow. It was…my brain.

I’m not used to having my brain rebel. Normally I tell it to shut up so I can just DO stuff. But lately it doesn’t seem to listen.

I eventually surrendered to being 40, doffed my sleep mask, curlers, weighted blanket, ocean wave sound making collapsible headphones, silk jacket, silk over pants, gold-linked necklace, Harry Potter sorcerer’s cap, and big-foot slippers, and made coffee.

Then I REALLY went to work.

First, I tried to do my 1000 sit-ups (check) as that actually wakes me up more than coffee.

Then I gunned down a protein shake, put “Girl You Know It’s True” by Milli Vanilli on repeat, and completed the rest of my dance/American Ninja Warrior Friday A.M. Fitness Regimen®.

After developing a truly heroic amount of body odor, I sprayed my daily allotment of Axe “Gold Temptation” body spray all over my glistening form and changed into my Houndstooth work jacket and dress-casual sweatpants. This usually makes me feel better, but the thought remained, what interrupted my beauty sleep, despite having absolutely no problems? And why does my wife say I can be annoying?

It’s my friend’s curse; if he hadn’t claimed stuff starts happening when you turn 40, this wouldn’t be happening. It’s some kind of reveres-placebo effect.

The interesting thing about sleep deprivation is the joy one can endure when harnessing the delirium, embracing it, instead of fighting it.

I fought it at one point today, and suddenly I found myself restarting my fake passport business and cheating on quarterly taxes.

Then I thought Lo, Lo sweet angel, embrace the ride, you’ll be better off, and more importantly, so will the world.

So I hugged the sleep deprivation like…what were those teddy bears from the 80’s called? They were different colors, I think they represented different fruits or smells or something? Teddy Ruxpin? No…crap, anyway I hugged it like a well-marketed toy bear made in China.

It was great. You should have SEEN the guy at the beer store’s reaction when I told him he should get another job because it looks like he’s putting on a ton of weight. It was like magic, the way his eyes lit up, the connection we developed in that brief moment.

Then there was the lady who I helped at the car wash. She had just started the coin-op vacuum when I leapt in and cleaned the inside of her car FOR her! She just stood back, similarly wide-eyed, and gave me plenty of room to work. When I found a lighter and a joint under her seat, I told her about the dangers of children playing with lighters and promptly threw it in the trash. I wasn’t sure she even has kids! The sense of RELIEF she displayed when I was done was…well…I’ll remember it forever.

The moral of this story is if you are under 40 you have your whole life ahead of you. If you’re over 40 you likely can’t sleep. I recommend embracing what happens as you dance through your day, and have the courage to share it with the world.

Sure, the “police” may tell you to stop, your “spouse” may tell you they think you have a drug problem, and “average citizens and neighbors” may ask you to get out of their driveway, but it’s worth it. It makes you young again.

Not that 40 is old.

More Updates

Beware of Physics and Esprit de Corps

The original conversation went something like this: Lieutenant: “He said he never makes mistakes, they’re just misunderstandings.” Chief: “What were you doing in the sewage

Subscribe to our newsletter or we'll totally freak out.

Engaging irreverence, occasional coherence, often pointed, mixed with enough indelicate humor as to create a want, a craving for more.