My son has a snake, it’s orange and white with red beady eyes of death.

Her name is Creamsicle. A highly-covered, newsworthy snake, not new to the press. You may have seen her on The Today Show*.

*I find this show terrifying.

I’m sure when son moves out of the house we’ll end up adopting this thing.

It has no emotions. C’mon it’s a snake. Well, I guess it has basic ones like fear based on the instinct to stay alive. And perhaps bitterness when she sees us playing with the dog. 

But that’s the problem, she wants to eat my dog. Biologically speaking, I mean she’s never admitted it to me, but I bet it’s true.  

Creamsicle is currently on day 24 of a hunger strike. That’s what the pet-store people call it when snakes don’t eat. 

I call it a waste of my time and money. I drive to store-where-we-buy-live-rodents every Tuesday for the past four Tuesdays, purchase the alive-disgusting rodent, drive home, drop wiggly squeaking fuzzy thing in the snake’s domicile, wait till the next morning, inevitably hear my son say “Dad the mouse is still here,” then I’m forced to, ah, dispose of the creature as humanely as possible. 

You see I set up this little guillotine out of popsicle sticks, razor blades and tooth floss. I dress the mouse up like Louis XVI and…

I better stop, I don’t want to sound like a weirdo.

The point of all this is to help guide you on pet purchases. Here’s my experience:

Birds – swear at you

Snakes – would kill you if they could

Mice – deserve swift, speedy deaths if left uneaten

Dogs – are lovable idiots with mildly inappropriate behavior

Cats – can’t really be trusted

Frogs – does anyone own frogs?

Bugs – don’t be friends with anyone who keeps bugs as pets

Fish – come on what do you really do with a fish

That’s it. There’s no other pets to choose from in the universes. Choose wisely. And try not to make your snake bitter, it make them really aggressive.